I was Liz Taylor on New Year's Eve

Well, not exactly.

But I DID consume a drink that was named after her.

It was absolutely fabulous: champagne, blue curacao, and chambord. And when I raised it, I silently saluted all of you wonderful bloggers. Each and every time. As corny as it was but luckily no one around me could tell what I was doing. At least I hope not.

Don't get the impression that I did any crazy celebrating, though. I was more than prepared to go home after work, put on my cozy pjs (a true joy in my life), and watch a DVD. But my MIL wanted to go into town to see the ice sculptures and early fireworks that are part of Boston's Fi.rst N.ight activities.

Though I started to get very cold in the last 30 minutes of our time outside (I guess it didn't help that I purposely extended the length of the walk to meet them in order to clear my head), I was actually grateful that they compelled me to go out. The fireworks were fantastic. We watched the beginning of the parade and I enjoyed the Chinese dragons immensely (I am fascinated by cultural symbols.) Even the horns that I can't stand didn't interfere with an unintentional elevation of my mood. People were excited. And, even though I couldn't exactly share their excitement per se, I did feel lighter.

Then we went to dinner at a little place in my neighborhood. The food is good, not great (we have been there a couple of times) but the energy is infectious. I was glad that we selected it. In stereotypical gayness (the owners are a male couple), the decorations were terrific and the place was full of gorgeous gay men. I forgot how wonderful it feels to be in a largely-gay space with friends affectionately happy to see each other, even though my bi-ness is invisible these days. I joked to Mr. LIW that the bartender (who looked smashing in a low-cut, fitted satin dress) would make oodles of cash on a girl's night in a gay bar. He chuckled and told me that she would also make lots of money in a low-brow bar that he spent lots of time getting drunk in the summers of his early 20s. I didn't believe him - I couldn't believe that men in a place like that would give great tips. After a couple of beers, he insisted, they would be throwing money her way. We laughed at this as my MIL sat to my right, probably only hearing bits and pieces of our conversation. Which is how I liked it. :-)

Anyway, we were home by 9:30pm and began watching "Dic.k Clar.k's Rockin Eve" because, well, what else would we watch? But I fell asleep promptly at 11:30 so I missed seeing the ball drop. This would be the second or third year in a row that I have done that. Doesn't bother me.

I slept in really late yesterday (I swear these hormones are making me more tired than I normally am) but got up in time to attend the most amazing yoga class at my favorite studio. It was 2 hours and involved three teachers and three styles of yoga. The studio was bursting at the seams, which made me happy since I love the owner and want her business to succeed. Everyone there agreed that it was absolutely the BEST way to start the New Year. I almost cried when I brought the owner, who is becoming a good friend, up to speed on what's happened in the 2 months since she has taught a yoga class. But, overall, I actually felt somewhat happy. I still dismiss any "new year = new possibilities" sentiments - how on earth is anything different than two days ago? - but I felt a bit happier.

Later in the afternoon, Mr. LIW, his mother, and I went to see "Walk H.ard" If you like sarcasm and need a good laugh, go see this movie. I nearly hyperventilated when the main character sang a song about helping midg.ets overcome challenges like the height of buttons in elevators. For someone who is quite PC, even I found this funny because it is not making fun of people with disabilities but the stars that exploit them. If you haven't heard about it, the movie basically spoofs the "behind the music" shows on VH1 and movies like "Wal.k the Line" (which, incidentally, I loved.) It was honestly exactly the type of movie I needed right now. It's a bit risque in parts, which made Mr. LIW uncomfortable because his mother was sitting with us, but it was worth it. Really, if you like movies like "A Might.y Wind" and "Best in S.how" I would highly recommend it.

But back to real (IF) life.... I went for the u/s and b/w this morning to see how things are progressing. The tech told me that she identified 10 follicles - 7 on the left and 3 on the right - but they are still very small. I would certainly take 10 eggs. She told me that another one or two might grow as well. A dozen would be nice, I thought to myself. But I am trying not to get my hopes up just in case.

The nurse called me this afternoon to tell me to continue with my protocol - 150 Gonal-F and 5 units of Lupron - and to return on Friday morning for another check. She said that the follicles are very small at this point but Dr. Gentle does not want to increase my dosage of Gonal F as he likes how I am progressing. My Estrogen level is 243, which I was told is great. Things are progressing - albeit slowly - but Dr. Gentle thinks we are on the right course.

The nurse estimated that the trigger shot will be on or around the 8th and retrieval will occur between the 10th and the 12th of January, with transfer 3 days later (assuming there is a transfer, of course - gotta manage those expectations!)

Slow and steady wins the race, right?

I am certainly relieved that I seem to be responding well so far. Not that Dr. Gentle expected otherwise but you just never know.

I am annoyed, though. Of course, since I flunked out of Patience 101, I want to speed things up. Why proceed slowly when we could proceed faster??!!

All of you experts out there - do you think that Dr. Gentle is afraid of OHSS since I have been responding so well to the meds?? And/or he thinks we will get more eggs if we proceed slowly?

Any and all analysis you can offer would be appreciated!!!

But I decided today that I need this IF journey to end in 2008. Well, at least the intense version of it. That, no matter what happens this year, I need to get myself into a different space in 2009. I am so sick of being here in purgatory. I am tired of feeling sad and angry and envious.... I want to find a space that allows me to feel happy most of the time. I know that this means there's more internal work I have to do but there are parts of my life that I will be able to change, even if only in marginal ways.

Of course, part of me insists that we will have a baby by 2009 - or, at least one on the way. But the more seasoned part of me thinks otherwise.

But I know that I can't handle another year of this. I know that adoption does not offer a break but, my thought is that, if a couple of ivf cycles do not work, then maybe we will take a few months off and then climb on to the adoption rollercoaster.

I just know that I can't stand in front of another Christmas tree wishing to be pregnant in the impending new year. I don't think I could handle it again.

2008 might be the year in which I put the dreams of a bio child to rest. I am somewhat certain I can get myself through 2 - maybe 3 - cycles of ivf. But I don't think I could handle more than that.

Per usual, I am getting ahead of myself.

For all of my talk of the lack of actual significance of a new year, I am clearly using it to demarcate a set of plans.

Identifying a breaking point is good, or so my therapist tells me. My hope is that I will be pleasantly surprised - that one of the ART methods will work and I won't have to pursue these plans.

But didn't I say that last year at this time?

Maybe it is the redundancy that bothers me the most??

What I do know is that I do not exactly feel hopeful for this cycle. I wouldn't say that I feel hopeless, either, but I am just looking at this process as...well...a process. Which actually makes me glad. Though I feel less down now that we have reduced the Lup.ron, I don't feel the excitement that came with early treatment efforts. And I like it this way. I need enough hope to jam those needles into my gut every night but I really don't need more than that.

I just hope I can continue to keep my feelings in check. I really want to avoid crushing disappointment if this doesn't work. I know that there's really no way of controlling the outcome, which I think I am somewhat ok with (surprisingly.) And I think that 2007 has beaten the TTC - even assisted TTC - right out of me....

Can anyone relate to this state I seem to be in? Still willing to pursue treatment but not feeling particularly confident about the outcome?