So little sleep and so much, well, exhaustion

I came home from work last night to a dozen roses. They are amazing.

Mr. LIW wasn't feeling too well (he has been struggling with this weird sinus thing on-and-off for months) so we decided to order in. I was craving Chinese food so that's what we got. It's weird, though, how I can be kind nauseous yet really hungry simultaneously. But, boy, it was yummy. I am already looking forward to the leftovers.

And I am still incredulous. I can't believe it. I keep thanking the universe and the scientists who figured out how to make this happen. And, when I touch my lower abdomen, I simply cannot believe all that is going on in there.

I keep telling myself to find a happy medium between appreciating the fact that Fira and/or Thira have stuck around this long AND getting too excited in case they decide to exit too soon. But I can't.

I am SO SO SO freakin excited. It makes me realize how much I have wanted this. I started to wonder along the way that maybe I didn't really *need* to be a parent and/or *want* to be pregnant. I see now that that was my attempt at coping.

I truly feel as if my life is coming together. That finally, finally, life might be going my way. The dream job goal might not be achieved in the near future but it does appear that there is a permanent job on the horizon that could be groomed into something close to perfect.

And, shit, I may actually become a mom in 2008. Just in time for our 3rd wedding anniversary.

I could barely sleep last night. I passed out on the couch early but then woke up repeatedly during the night. Each and every time I woke up, I thought, was that a dream? Could I really be pregnant?

I am so exicted that I could jump out of my skin. Though, at the same time, I feel *exhausted*. Tired to the core. At this point, the adrenaline is propelling me but I am sure it will wear off at some point. I am going to try to sneak a light workout in at the gym before it does. I need to keep my intestines functioning in light of the scary prescription prenatal vitamins that I started taking last night.

I want to rush past the first trimester when I realize we haven't even seen a sack or a heartbeat yet. There's a chance that this pregnancy is ectopic, no?

And there's a chance that there will be no heartbeat. Or, we will see it and then it will disappear.

I *know* that all of these things are possible - perhaps even likely. But that's my head talking. My heart really believes that we will bring home one or two healthy babies in the fall.

Naive, I know. But it feels instinctive somehow. It's similar to November of 2006 when I knew I was pregnant even though the peesticks said I wasn't. We are now relatively confident that we did create a little embie and it attached to Holy Polyp! There's no definitive proof, of course, but my body reacted in a way I had never felt before. I just sensed it. Since then, many times along this painful TTC journey, I have thought I was pregnant but it wasn't intuition that led me to believe that. It was symptoms or hope or both.

It's entirely likely that my intuition now is merely a way to deal with the fear. I simply do not want to consider what losing this pregnancy would mean. But that's ok. My biggest regret in life is that I have spent so much time worrying that I haven't enjoyed anything. I had a largely stressful childhood. I spent all of my time in college and grad school obsessing about making the grade. I never really had any fun. I mde a vow to myself years ago that I would learn to have fun.

I want to have as much fun with this pregnancy as I can. I am under no illusions that it will be "fun" in the strict sense or that I will feel comfortable with all of the changes to my body. But it will be interesting, fascinating even. And I want to treasure that.

So, I am going to let myself be as excited as I am. And hope that my intuition that everything will work out fine is spot on.....