Plans, Splans....I am nearly begging Fira and Thira to stick around - 5dp3dt *Brief Update*

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, send a prayer/mantra/or sun salutation to Mary Ellen. Her cervix is not behaving and she is in danger of losing the triplets that she and Steve want so much. I can't even begin to get into all that they have been through to even get to this point so trust me when I tell you that it is horrific. And that ME and Steve are wonderful people who DESERVE to be parents.....

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Forget yesterday's post.

Ok, not entirely. But I am nearly aching for Fira and Thira to turn into two healthy babies that I can snuggle in the fall.

It's hard - SO HARD - not to believe that this cycle *might* have worked for us.

Though my uterine cramps happen much less frequently, just when I think all is lost, they send me a sharp and/or twingy sign. They seem to be a bit more generalized, too.

And there's an achy heaviness much of the time. Though heaviness is not the *right* word, I can't come up with anything that more closely resembles the feeling. Throw in a couple of aches "down there," but those could be from my lower back - which is killing me because I have spent too many hours in front of this computer this week.

I think I would even answer "yes" to the question, were I hooked up to a lie detector test like on that creepy F.ox show that debuts next week, "does your abdomen feel harder than normal today?"

Maybe I am imagining the harder abdomen. But I don't think so. Yesterday I thought I was just simply bloated because my stomach seemed to protrude more than normal but....today....it really feels HARD underneath.

As though I have been doing 400 crunches at the gym like I used to. Which ain't happening. And, aside from yoga last Saturday, I haven't worked out since the transfer on Sunday. As my normally pudgy belly will attest, sitting at a computer all day does NOT tone the 'ol abs.

I won't even mention the brea.st soreness. It was originally caused by the stims for sure and it has never gone away. Occasionally now I feel a twinge or two but I am trying to ignore them.

And, OMG, the salt cravings are insane. Insane, I tell you. The sight of a salt shaker makes me salivate.

Ok, that's a bit of an overstatement, for sure. But, really, I have never craved salt so badly in my life.

And I heart strong flavors. The stronger the better. Though I do prefer the flavorful to the bland as a rule, I am not typically this obsessed with spicy and tangy food (and "spicy" not necessarily in a "hot" way.) For example, I would probably tackle someone for a bag of salt and vinegar chips. Even if it meant falling in the dirty snow that currently decorates the streets of my beloved city.

So, after a 100-calorie package of reduced-fat pring.les last night, I baked a boneless chicken breast smothered in salsa and a shredded low-fat Mexican cheese blend. With guacamole on the side.

YUM.

Then I ate a bag of this gourmet popcorn with which my mother is currently obsessed (OA anyone?).

The cheesy pieces were heavenly. I could have used more black pepper in order to create a kick but the saltiness alone was wonderful.

Once I was done, I started thinking of what other salty treat I could consume. Then I realized that I probably wasn't even hungry anymore. It's hard for me to tell these days because my stomach is still suffering from the tetracyc.line, which I shall from now on refer to as "tetrafire." The folic acid never helps in this regard, either.

Which brings me to another thing...since my stomach is still smoldering, it is hard for me to tell when I am hungry. I am eating regular meals, though probably a bit less than normal. I have noticed over the last two days that I will suddenly get shaky and irritable. When I realize how long it has been since I have consumed anything (usually 4 hours or so), I decide I must be hungry.

Why am I such an idiot? I consulted with the experts on Dr. Google and learned that salt cravings are a somewhat common symptom in early pregnancy. There's something about the process that causes it. One suggestion is that a woman's body may be lacking in minerals, which I guess is possible for me. I will now start adding the good ole flint.stones vitamins to my diet.

I don't have to tell any of you about what it says about uterine cramping.....

But all of these symptoms could be from the PIO, right? I mean, they could. And the heaviness/ache is a *little* like how I felt pre-ER, though that feeling went away within 30 hours of the retrieval and only just came back a day or two ago.

I am starting to think it would be *unlikely* that PIO could have such a powerful impact on my body. But, then again, nearly hyper-responding to the lowest dose of Gon.al-F is not the norm, either.

Mr. LIW admitted that he is nervous the result will be negative. He wants this cycle to work as much as I do. I am trying to manage my expectations but it is hard.

Damn PIO.

And I have been convinced that I was pregnant in the past. Then was devastated when I learned that I was not. So it is hard to believe that this might actually be the real thing.

Though even I can't deny that we probably have a 50/50 chance that this worked given how well my cycle went and Dr. Gentle's perception of why we haven't been able to get pregnant on our own.

F*ck. I didn't want to be here. Not now, not ever.

But I am merely a mortal human. How could I not get my hopes up??

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So, if I haven't mentioned it previously, I have a sweet tooth.

Each and every day I have something sweet - low-fat chocolate milk, a piece of candy, a couple of cookies, etc. Sometimes I allow myself to have two desserts in the same day.

Last couple of days I haven't been interested in anything sweet.

But, because we couldn't come up with another place to meet, I just met a friend of mine who works nearby at an ice cream palor down the street for a late lunch break.

It was one of the only times in my life that icecream didn't interest me. But I ordered a light version of a vanilla flavor in a small size anyway.

Was it good? Hmmm...I guess. I did eat it. But it tasted so over-the-top sweet to me. Granted, I have become accustomed to soft vanilla icecream lately (I have been getting it regularly once a week or so), which is never as rich as hard icecream. But I typically fall in love with the creaminess when I indulge. And I didn't.

So it struck me while walking back to work that I wasn't even craving anything from my very favorite bakery. And that I haven't in the last two days. I ride past the bakery every morning and every evening and there's usually a couple of nights a week that I have to stop myself from going in there for one of my favorite desserts, which is a gingerbread cookie decorated with frosting. (For the record, I almost never give in.)

In all honesty, and I can't believe I am writing AND feeling this way, I don't want one of those cookies. And not because I am in calorie-obsessed mode. Or because I have had too many sweets in the past few days. The thought of it actually skeeves me out somehow.

And I am regretting the icecream. And, again, not for the calories. I didn't enjoy it. The ONLY other times in my life that I have not enjoyed something sweet like that is 1) after I have eaten too many sweets and 2) when I was wracked with guilt and fear regarding the calories.

This is weird, people. WEIRD.

And, if it is all from the PIO, someone is going down.