Is the stress going to kill me? 10dp3dt

It may. It wouldn't be the first time in my life that I asked myself this question. In fact, I have probably asked myself this question 100s of times.

Which strongly suggests that the answer will be no, right? I am still here. Still fighting. Though feeling largely defeated.

I am back at work today. I can actually stand up straight, which is quite an achievement. The pain is still there, but less intense. Of course, my intestines have shut down because I have barely moved for two days and live on crackers and protein but beggers can't be choosers, right?

So, I want this ivf cycle to be over. I *need* it to be over.

I think it worked. But, then again, I think it failed.

I still have some minor symptoms. I feel ocassional twinges/aches in my uterus - mostly on the left side. The veins in my breasts are more pronounced and I think I experience aches in them. I continue to be grossed out by anything sweet and, if I can manage to eat anything, it has to be of the salty variety. But I would be stupid not to assume that the PIO caused all of these symptoms. We know from past experience that I react *very* strongly to meds.

I am horribly nauseaus, but it is likely that that is from the ulcer. Or maybe not. I simply don't know.

But how could I know? After 20 cycles or so of TTC, I simply cannot trust myself. Trusting my instincts have never come easily to me and IF has destroyed any vestige I had left in this area. Complicating matters is the fact that progesterone tricks your body into thinking that it is pregnant.

I am considering POAS tomorrow morning/evening or Friday morning. I think it might help to know what to expect when I get the call on Friday afternoon. If the test is negative, then I will know that the cycle failed OR it was a chemical pregnancy. If it is positive, then I can expect a positive result.

I am a chicken shit, which is why I have not yet tested. I didn't want a false result - positive or negative. But we are getting close enough now to get a reliable result, especially since my sister has given me a bunch of tests from her lab (which are more accurate than OTC tests.)

If the test is false, then I will call my PCP on Friday morning and ask for a prescription for stomach meds. And I will take one Friday afternoon if the nurse tells me that the cycle failed. I bet since I haven't taken the meds in a long time they will work right away. That's what happened the first time I took them.

Mr. LIW and I decided that, if the cycle failed, we will do the following:
* do a frozen cycle in the next two months
* if that fails, take a break until after our vacation to Mexico
* do another fresh cycle in May or June.

The last option is only viable, however, if our insurance allows us to extend the approval for another fresh cycle past April 22nd. I am going to assume that that is possible.

I need a break, my friends. As I have stated many times before, IF is a soul-killer.

And the knowledge that, whatever the result of this cycle, the peace I long for is not on the horizon increases my stress level. I can't help it. A pregnancy is frightening on so many levels, as is the thought of becoming a parent.......

There's no rest for the weary, my friends. But I just have to get through it. My therapist would tell me not to ask more of myself than that.