It's my (drug) party and I can cry if I want to....

I hate New Year's Eve. And I have for quite some time.

There's so much drummed-up pressure to, I don't know, celebrate.

But what the F are we celebrating? That the calendar is changing?! There's nothing to indicate that a change in year means that my life will change substantially. Sure, change happens and will anyway. But the demarcation of a new year is merely that....a different number at the end of the date.

My feelings this year are especially convoluted. Let's review everything I learned in 2007:

1.) Last year at this time I was recovering from the premature miscarriage that I had before Thanksgiving. A nurse practitioner that I saw at the time told me that the pregancy symptoms had been figments of my imagination and that I only had to relax and enjoy having s*x with my husband in order to get pregnant (sure, why didn't I think of that??!!). The only data that I lacked to prove that we at least fertilized was a positive pregnancy test. I had every other symptom known to (wo)man. And a 42-day cycle to prove it (my cycles are naturally 25-26 days.) If only I had gone for a beta sooner. Regardless, I learned that even apparently enlightened (and young!) professionals can revert to 1950s stereotypes. Dr. Gentle (a REAL professional!) agrees that we might have fertilized and the little embie attached to the Holy Polyp!, which meant it had no food supply and died. Or, the sperm that actually made it through the egg's shell was screwed up. LESSON LEARNED: trust your instincts no matter what.

2) I was quickly getting discouraged about our TTC chances as the calendar changed to 2007. But then I started IF treatments and the hope returned. At first it appeared that my problem was an easy one to fix. And then we followed my instincts (see lesson learned above) and made sure that Mr. LIW's swimmers got tested for morphology even though his other scores were fantastic. We soon learned that nearly all of Mr. LIW's had funky shapes. LESSON LEARNED: IF is full of (sh*tty) surprises.

3) On December 29, 2006, I was told that, despite my admirable efforts and dedication (and patience with being jerked around), there really was no appropriate position for me at the firm that I joined in Feb 2006 (after being recruited like I was the coolest thing since sliced bread the year before) and so I should look for another job. I was told that this was not my fault as the partner had been so excited to bring me on that he hadn't thought through how I would fit in once one of the big projects was completed (which was a huge success, btw). I was promised that political connections would be used to help me get a position and that shouldn't be a problem because I was incredibly marketable. The moral of the story is that they f*cked me over. What pains me now is that I am still job searching and that they failed to successfully help me. LESSON LEARNED: If you think your job situation can get worse, it can.

4) In early 2007, I applied for a series of federal positions, nearly all of them fitting my description of "dream job." I was selected for an interview on my qualifications alone for one of my top choices and wowed the person who would be my supervisor (Mr. Flowers.) I played the networking game to help ensure my selection and was promised that the job would be offered to me by May. Then by June. Then by July. In late August, I learned that someone with veteran status had challenged my selection and the (screwed up) head office in Washington told Mr. Flowers to hire the veteran even though he lacked the necesssary qualifications. Mr. Flowers re-posted the job in an effort to hire me (all plans were still a GO!) Even though I used the same answers to the same questions on the re-posted electronic job application, I didn't make it to the interview list. LESSON LEARNED: Don't waste 8 months of your life trying to get a federal job.

5) Though I stayed on at the above-referenced firm through June 2007, I started job searching on December 29, 2006. On December 29, 2007, I was still job searching. Granted I spent (wasted!) the first 7 months or so pursuing government jobs until I changed tack and started networking for private-sector positions, but I never thought finding a great job would take this long. Moreover, I didn't think that I could have maintained my sanity through a year of this. Luckily, the consulting gig this summer opened up some opportunities and allowed me to hone in on what I really loved to do (at least in terms of the private-sector world.) Did I realize one year ago that the types of jobs I wanted were not prevalent and were very difficult to obtain (and that it's all about being in the right place at the right time and knowing the right people)? YES (well, sort of.) Was I naive about how long this process would take? ABSOLUTELY. LESSON LEARNED: Don't get a PhD in political science unless you have a trust fund so you can spend your life traveling the globe instead of job searching.

6) A year ago, I thought (hoped!) that less-invasive procedures would successfully make us parents. But I sensed in my heart and soul that we would end up doing ivf. And it doesn't matter how you try to look at it, the process sucks. Don't misunderstand, each and every day I am grateful to even have this opportunity. And to have insurance that will pay for it (since we could never afford it on our own right now, not without going into major debt). And to have family and friends who continue to support us through this. But the shots suck. They could be worse, of course, but they suck. I am beginning to dread 9pm. And the effects of the hormones suck, too. When I think that this might *not* work - that it might *never* work - I literally feel like crawling into a ball and spending the rest of my life in a cave. LESSON LEARNED: For most of us, there's no easy way out of IF and perhaps the most painful virtue to acquire is PATIENCE.

Have there been any benefits to this year of lessons? Sure. Not the least of which is that I am a stronger person (?) and am able to be much more aggressive about my qualifications and getting what I want. I realize that sitting idly by will never work. That you simply will not get what you want if you don't keep asking - and asking again and again - until you get an answer.

A friend of mine from yoga, she's in her 50s with two daughters in their 20s, tells me that the life lesson here is patience. Don't you think I know that even though I continue to resist it at each and every turn??!! But I forgive her because both of her daughters were complete miracles. She went through IF treatment only to be told she would never have children. Then she got pregnant with her first daughter, which she simply didn't believe was real until her daughter was born. Five years later, entirely out of the blue, she got pregnant again. So, this friend of mine understands the challenge. She agrees that the best thing may be to let ourselves focus our energies on getting pregnant - to not forget how draining IF is - and give ourselves a break in other areas of our lives. I am trying to do this with the temp job.

But she is right that, if I pull away for a more contextual view, the lesson in all of the situations discussed above is patience. I am, nor have I ever been, a patient person. I will force myself into submission as long as I can see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel; for a clearly-defined goal. I wrote a dissertion for pete's sake. That took considerable stamina, especially because my mentor was a total a**hole who gets off on torturing his grad students. But there was a clear end to work towards. I didn't always know that I could get myself through the process but I knew what the end was and how to get there.

What's the ending here? I know that there will be one no matter what happens but it simply is not clear. And there's so much uncertainty. Enough to stifle even the most optimistic person's optimism.

I know that these hormones are screwing with my head. I am not depressed, per se, but I find it really hard to feel excitement or hope. I *guess* I am hopeful or why else would I be doing this, right? And I sometimes catch myself imagining life as though this cycle works and we bring home a baby (or two!) in the fall. I do feel like I can cry more easily, though, especially when a baby issue is brought up. I get annoyed by people more easily and I fall asleep much earlier and easier. Sometimes, I just feel incredibly angry, like I wish I could throw something (or someone.) I have weird aches in my breasts and my body temperature changes a bit more quickly and more often. I don't like it.

Maybe I am grateful that I am not hopeful. Maybe it is protecting me.

I may not have learned how to BE patient with life. But I have learned that PATIENCE is a necessity in order to survive this life.

So, Happy New Year to all of my lovely blog friends! I raise a BIG glass of yummy champagne to all of you - to the strength with which you persevere, to the talent with which you share your stories of triumph and tragedy, and to the love with which you nourish the lives of those around you and the women in this blog world. I salute all of you! Without you I never would have made it through the painful year that is (was!) 2007!