It's either Spama.lot or a Nice Dinner *11dp3dt* - UPDATED

Those are our choices.

Mr. LIW and I agreed that, if we get bad news tomorrow, then we will spend the $300 to see Spamal.ot on Sunday. We will be in need of a few laughs, for sure.

If we receive good news, then we will go out for a nice dinner.

I am relieved that we came up with something entirely distracting to do if we get a BFN. Serenity IM'd me off the ledge yesterday. I was seriously close to a major break down. She helped to remind me of the following:

1) I can't rely on physical symptoms to indicate if Fira and/or Thira are making a home in my progesterone-infused uterus - I simply don't have enough experience with how PIO effects my body to make any judgments.

2) IVF WILL work for us eventually. If not this cycle, than maybe the next or the one after that. Serenity is living proof of that.

3) Life will go on regardless of whether or not we get a healthy baby (or two) out of this cycle.

We talked about how Mr. LIW and I are great candidates for ivf - I produce top quality eggs and ICSI solves the morphology problem, resulting in beautiful embryos. So, as Dr. Gentle has told us, we are perfect ivf candidates. And, he has three or four other patients (couples) facing exactly the same challenges that we are and they have all gotten successfully pregnant through ivf - within 3 cycles.

And I don't need to think about how I will get through the next cycle. Or the one after that. I just need to deal with what is in front of me.

But, shit, I hate what's in front of me. The thoughts, the fear, it is so overwhelming much of the time. I literally have to focus on my breathing.

No matter how nervous I am about pregnancy and parenthood, it is nothing compared to the apprehension I feel about going through ivf all over again. I told my therapist, Susan, last night how much I HATE this process.

Abhor it.

I hate the shots. I hate the uncertainty. Most of all, I hate the imprecision of the science.

I say this in *full* recognition of the fact that what can be done via ivf - and ICSI for that matter - is absolutely amazing. It is just incredible. But there is still so much that is unknown.

I want to force my body to nurture Fira and Thira into two healthy children.

And I want to move on from IF as much as is humanly possible.

The anguish of infertility cannot be understated. No matter what terms are used, they will never adequately capture the trauma of it all. Trauma - that's the word Susan used last night. She is right.

I recognize - and even embrace - the extent to which this experience will change me for the better. But I will always be scarred, as will all of you. And, sometimes I feel the need to grieve that reality.

If Fira and Thira don't make it, I am certain that I will grieve them, too. What's interesting to me is that I have not emotionally connected to them to the extent I anticipated I would. I haven't posted their picture. In fact, I haven't even mentioned their picture. You know where the picture is? In the glove compartment of our car. I look at it only once each time I am in the car - which isn't often since I take public transportation to and from work everyday. It's a coping mechanism, for sure. I just hope that it is not a permanent wall constructed to deal with IF.

I am an incredibly giving, loving, and sensitive person. It took me years of therapy to be this way and to accept it. But, at the same time, I can build the most amazing emotional walls. In fact, the one I built after my previous relationship debacle is still in tact. Mr. LIW has expressed to me, on more than one occassion, that he hopes I will eventually be able to take it down. That he is willing to wait for that day.

In all honesty, I am not holding my breath that I will ever get there. Not completely. If there is someone on this planet that is safe enough to do it for, it is Mr. LIW. All I ask of myself is that I work on it, little by little. I am confident that cracks *will* be made in that wall over time. They already have been, though they remain very slight.

But the IF wall, shit. I simply don't know. I worry that each and every hope-fear-despair cycle will turn me to stone. Or, at least, force me to close myself off to SO much in order to survive. Though maybe that is not such a bad thing for a hypersensitive person? I don't know. I DO know that I don't want that to happen.

Have I said how desperately I want to become a parent from this cycle?

You all know that I don't believe in god. Energy, something larger than us, sure. But not an all-powerful being who makes specific decisions about each person's life.

But I have prayed to the universe. I have put my hands on my lower abdomen and begged Fira and Thira to give me the chance to teach them what it is liked to be loved unconditionally. To be appreciated for who they are and who they seek to become. To tell them funny stories about their Dad, about how much he loves them, how his funny (terrible!) singing is a way to make them smile, which means more to him than anything in the world. How their father and I built a life together on a foundation of love, friendship, mutual respect, and equality. How we did it always - ALWAYS - with them in our plans.

F*ck. I really want to be giving birth to these little ones in 9 months.....

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Have I told all of you how much I LOVE you recently? Seriously, you are the BEST. Your comments were fabulous and I am SO glad that you still have hope for me!!!!

I am feeling SO exhausted. As if I am coming down with a cold or the flu. I have felt this way on and off for a couple of days now. I get shaky really easily and feel so...I don't know....sick. Not achy, just run down. Horribly. As in either I just worked out REALLY hard at the gym and haven't eaten enough today. Or, as I stated above, I am coming down with something.

You know what's worse than a BFN? Getting sick after a BFN!!

But I wouldn't be surprised, really. This entire ivf process has taken such a toll on me.

It makes me sad that I am already planning for our next cycles. A frozen in the short term, a break in April, and then start BCPs in May with an expectation to transfer in June. OMG. If that fresh cycle in the summer doesn't work, I will actively begin the adoption process. I expect that we would give ivf one more try - maybe two - but I am not sure how much more I can take.

Now I understand why my best friend gave up after two ivf cycles. She simply couldn't take it anymore - especially because she had been in the trenches for 7 years at that point.

Honestly, without all of you I would be planning to jump off the Zakim Bridge.

I promise to let you know the results tomorrow. If I get them at the very end of the day, I might just leave work right away, especially if I am devastated. You might not hear from me until tomorrow night but I promise to let you know.

Is it ok to hope that I will have good news to share tomorrow?