It's ridiculous, really,

how slowly time moves.

It's really starting to piss me off.

Or maybe that's the hormones, I am not sure.

It doesn't help that my stomach feels like shit most of the time. Either I am in pain, feeling hungry and slightly nauseous at the same time, or terribly gassy.

And did I mention how irritable I am today? It's despicable. And there is no excuse for it really.

I am still so incredibly happy that we made it this far. And I can't believe how well this pregnancy (god, still weird to write that) is going so far. It's awesome. And I finally feel like my life is coming together.

It is clear that they will be offering me a permanent job here. And, though it will still contain an administrative component, I will be a project manager. For a complicated and ever-growing project. A friend here told me what I should expect for pay ranges and it looks like I might be able to get at least what I made at my last job. Which is fine. I may have to be a bit clever in order to get short-term disability pay during maternity leave (since my pregnancy will be "pre-existing" by the time I sign the papers) but I am trying not to get nervous about that just yet.

So, the typical LIW is freaking that she can't do the job. That she is already failing. That they think I can do it BUT they believe that I will have to improve immensely in order not to fail. Or, that they simply don't want to look for someone else.

None of the above has been communicated to me. I am told by a confidant here that they "love me."

Though this job will not necessarily be a dream come true, it WILL give me major practical skills and be a considerable step forward in my career. "Project Manager" means something in the real world. And this job will give me skills that fit with the various dream jobs that I have in mind for the future. Not to mention the fact that, if the project I manage is a success, that would be HUGE for this small sub-company of a big medical center.

I have also realized that I am intrigued by public health. And that I could get tuition reimbursement if I ever decided to get a Master's in Public Health. Something I might consider eventually.

However, I learned yesterday through a team member speaking confidentially that I need to manage my boss so that he stops doing things that interfere with the progress of one of the projects - the one for which I will NOT be the project manager.

Is it safe to assume that he engages in the same behaviors on the project that I will be in charge of managing? YES.

In so many ways, the project manager position will be a great job. To help set up state-of-the-art medical centers in the fastest growing part of the Middle East? There are politics here that will require me to tread carefully among a few folks but where is that NOT the case? I tune into politics wherever I go and so I constantly find myself in that situation anyway. In all honesty, I know that I handle it well. People NEVER figure out my methodology unless I tell them. When I worked for 13 politicians simultaneously, I was complimented many times over the years for being able to keep a smile on my face despite the often high level of tension among my bosses. Of course, they didn't hear me swearing in a venting fashion to my friends but that's ok. I never once let my frustration take over when working with any of them.

Maybe my feelings are being fueled by the hormones. I have felt like rolling up into a ball of tears all day now, even while laughing at something I found funny. Or it's the desperation to know *for sure* that this pregnancy will make us parents. And the fact that I will be waiting until the summer to obtain anything akin to certainty. The summer feels like a l.i.f.e.t.i.m.e. away.

It doesn't help that my nipples hurt so much I could scream. How on earth does anyone breastfeed? Seriously? I literally cried out when the water hit them this morning in the shower. I now spend my time in the shower attempting to avoid the streams of water yet still wash my body. And we have a half-ass shower head, not amazing jets or anything. My breasts also feel swollen. And, oh my, I never knew I had SO many veins in those things.

I am grateful, though, for each and every symptom. I still feel very weak and shaky by the afternoon. And my stomach is still harder than it was prior to ivf. No matter what I tell myself, I do start to get frightened if I start to feel "normal" at all. I get an ocassional cramp but, for the most part, I don't feel anything in that region. But I figure as long as there is no bleeding - which there isn't, not even spotting - then I can be relatively confident that everything is ok.

I fell upon a scholarly study yesterday that found that all of the pregnant women with early hcg results above a certain level (I think it was 200 at 14 dpo - all I remember was that I was above the level) avoided miscarriage. Which helped.

I keep reminding myself that my hcg levels are phenomenal. That the amount more than tripled over the weekend. I am hoping for a number around 2,000 tomorrow. 1,640 would mean that it had doubled since Monday.

I am just so *fucking* scared. I don't want to lose this pregnancy. I don't want *anything* to go wrong. Yesterday, I caught myself touching my stomach and saying, "I know you are hungry, baby, you just got to give me a minute to make dinner." Yikes! I think that's too scary of a thought given we are not even at 5 weeks yet. We are not even CLOSE to being able to call what is going on in there a baby!

I am going to keep doing what the ever-wise Serenity advised me: to reason away the fear.

There is NO reason why this cannot or will not work out. There is NO reason why this cannot or will not work out.......

(This is my mantra this afternoon.)