Really, Time, you CAN move even slower.... *UPDATED WITH BETA RESULTS*

Talk about time moving at a snail's pace! The first trimester is going to feel like a lifetime....assuming, of course, that this pregnancy decides not to go south.

(I decided that I can't let myself say "miscarriage" as it is too scary. Instead, I will use the phrase "go south," which feels less horrific.)

Mr. LIW is very confident that we will get a healthy baby or two out of this. I am still relatively confident and keep telling myself, thanks again to Serenity's advice, that there is *no* reason that this will not work out. Right?

So, our celebration on Saturday night took us to this awesome restaurant that is not too far from where we live. We have gone once before and I have become addicted to the chicken dish. It is rare to find a grilled chicken that has perfectly crispy and seasoned skin yet is juicy on the inside. And the cream sauce on the bottom of the plate? Finger-lickin good (though I don't know this from experience, of course!)

Before we left for dinner, we reviewed our movie options. There's a great little community theatre practically next door to the restaurant. Mr. LIW was receptive to seeing "Juno," which surprised me. It's not his typical movie. "The Kite Runner" was the other option. We chose "Juno". When I asked him if he was sure he wanted to see it he said, "Well, it is about pregnancy, right?"

Did I tell you how excited he is?

Anyway, I enjoyed the movie. But it was painful. It literally felt my heart ache through much of it. At first, I wanted to punch Juno because she appeared to be taking the pregnancy in such a cavalier fashion. I know she is 16 and all but it's an attitude that I find hard to witness. But then I saw how she changed. Jennifer Garner's character broke my heart at every turn. When Juno said, "you should be glad it is not you," in reference to having to wear pants with an elastic waistband, I nearly cried out. I did say "OUCH!" loudly enough for Mr. LIW to hear.

I was touched by the ending, which will not come as a surprise to those of you who have seen it. But man, I could have cried a river. I felt like I was holding back rapids.

Afterwards, Mr. LIW said, "I thought Juno was going to change her mind." I replied, "yeah, how did you feel about her decision?" Mr. LIW: "Well, I was relieved because I would have felt terrible for Jennifer Garner."

That was yet another in a series of moments lately when I realize how badly Mr. LIW wants to be a father. I have known it all along - never doubted it in fact - but he doesn't show it and talk about like I do. Since Friday night, he's been making his typically silly jokes about taking care of a baby (I remind him that he knows little and needs to brace himself for disgusting diapers and gross spit-up) and so he purposely says things that make it sound like he will do the wrong thing. It's hilarious and typical of his sense of humor.

For example, I told him that I got scared when I looked at all of the equipment babies need on Saturday (I actually allowed myself to look online for 30 minutes or so.) There are a handful of bath tubs to choose from, for example, and our kitchen sink will not necessarily accomodate any of them. At first, we seriously talked about replacing the sink and then he said, "won't a bucket work?" with a naughty smile. It's really cute.

(Please, don't get alarmed, Mr. LIW is really just joking about these things. This is how he is. He spent 5 years with a woman with a little girl and he still can't relate specific memories about the girl without choking up.)

He didn't even seem hurt when I reneged on my promise to engage in intimacy yesterday. I lied down on the bed while he prepped the PIO (not my idea of foreplay anyway) and fell asleep!! I was groggy for the shot and then just not interested. I explained to him that I fall asleep almost instantly now, which ruined the mood.

Which is true - though there is more to it.

Is it weird that I am guarding my body somehow? The thought of exposing it to something like that scares me a bit. I *know* that it is safe for what is going on in my uterus but I am feeling the need to hold myself in tight. I guess I am feeling more fragile than I thought.

I spent most of yesterday shopping. Mostly groceries - I drove out to Who.le Foods to get some herbal supplements to help with my ulcer - and then I stopped at Barne.s and Nob.le to look at pregancy books. Their pregnancy section sucked - my hope was to find a book that talked about managing an ulcer and IBS during the first trimester at least - but there was only a tiny table with books. And most of those books pissed me off. They were NOT written for infertiles. In fact, they were written for the "oops, suddenly I am pregnant and I just started trying" crowd.

Only one book, The Pregnancy B.iBle, had anything to offer. The pictures of the embryo/fetus at each stage are great and there was even talk of ivf. Woohooo. I was nervous about buying it but I had a gift card, which helped in some weird way. Plus I told myself that, if this pregnancy goes south, I will use it the *next* time we are pregnant.

I couldn't buy a pregnancy journal, though. That was simply too scary. What if I begin to chart this pregnancy only to lose it? I hope eventually I can get beyond this and get a jounal. It would be a nice place to keep the picture of Fira and Thira, regardless of whether or not they turn into healthy babies.

I am feeling incredibly relieved that we got this far. I realize that this is an achievement and I had been worrying even more than I realized that we could never get pregnant. Had I gotten pregnant naturally, I would probably feel differently. You got to love IF - it makes you treasure every milestone.

Speaking of milestones, I went for another beta this morning. I am hoping for a number well over 480, which would mean that hcg doubled over the weekend. It's weird - when I don't think about it, I feel confident. When I realize that I am waiting for results, I panic. But I am talking myself through it. And hoping beyond hope that we become parents in the fall.......

And thanks again to all of you for your well-wishes. I know that they are bittersweet for some of you!!!

XOXOXO

**********************************
Keep the good news coming.....

HcG this morning = 819.

An online calculator tells me that the doubling time = 1.69 days.

The nurse (Susan) was, once again, practically giddy when she called. She agreed that we are off to a strong start.

She said, "got to love energized embryos."

She clearly loves her job. And I think I love her. :-)

After another beta on Thursday, we will schedule the first u/s.

I am thrilled. What's strange is that I felt scared even after hearing the news. I am not sure why. I told myself that anything over 500 would be great. Here I am with a fantastic number and I am still scared. I am feeling really shaky today and I think my moods are all over the place.

For example, in a meeting with my boss earlier, in which we talked about whether or not this team should hire a project manager, I felt like crying after I said, "you can hire me for that position and pass on the administrative responsibilities."

"We don't have enough money to do that at this point," was his reply.

But this was after he said that I was already playing the manager role. I interpreted it as he thinks I cannot handle my responsibilities. I am still partially convinced that that is what he meant. But I think that is my hypersensitivity and low self-esteem talking and not what he was trying to say.

It was clear, by the end of the conversation, that he is trying to figure out the best role for me. He tested my by asking how I would have handled a physician who made (what we consider to be) an outrageous demand. He wants someone to handle these types of things so that he doesn't have to.

"Would you have given him your credit card?" he asked. (The correct answer here was no.)

I replied, "Hell no. And I would have told him that his request was inappropriate had he asked me and had I had the authority to make that decision."

Am I great at confrontation typically? No. But if I had the authority, I would continue to work on it. I hope this came through in our discussion. People often worry that I am too nice to handle difficult conversations.

He also told me that one of our teams is looking to hire someone - and he thinks that that position should be 50% working for him and 50% working for that team.

My non-over-reactive self tells me that he is willing to entertain giving me a position that is higher-level than the administrative title I currently have.

With the right title, job responsibilities, and money, I would sign on here in a heartbeat. Even if the job responsibilities were not exactly at the level I am looking for, if there's an agreement that we will get there eventually, I would take it.

So, why do I feel like crying most of the time?

What's also weird is that my body tells me I am hungry by getting the shakes before my stomach says anything. I can't believe how exhausted I am. And how nauseous and thirsty I feel. I could drink water non-stop and still feel thirsty.

But I continue to tell myself that this CAN work. We have gotten off to a fabulous start and I need to continue to convince myself that being anything but confident would be ridiculous......

P.S. Does anyone have good suggestions for websites to track HcG levels? I don't like the ones that I have found.....