So, I am experiencing lots of cramps..... *UPDATE*: LIW's attempt at being optimistic

Today is CD18.

Based on the u/s on CD11, it is safe to assume that I ovulated on CD12.

I have experienced cramps since before CD11. They have not reduced in frequency. In fact, they have even become more frequent in the past couple of days. I kept telling myself that they were the result of the Big C and the aftermath of ovulation but now I am starting to wonder - especially since the side effects of Clo.mid were so much milder than last month's (given that the dose was cut in half.) Except for slightly greasy skin and a darker mood, I haven't really suffered at all.

The cramps feel like they are in the center of my uterus. They feel a little like burning pains but with a sharp edge. I am *certain* that they are not IBS/stomach related as I have spent a decade or so studying that kind of pain and this is different. And today I feel like my uterus is heavy, if that makes any sense.

It is unlikely that I ovulated more than one follicle based on the fact that, on CD11, only one was big enough. The others were only 10mm.

Is it safe to let this bring a bit of hope into my dreary outlook these days? I looked it up in the pregnancy book that I bought back in November and it notes that abdominal cramping/AF cramping could be a good sign. The other reasons listed for these cramps are: PMS (even in my crazy cycle, it is waaay too early for those), gas and gastrointestinal upset. I know, for the reasons listed above, that it is not the latter.

But I have no other symptoms. My nipples do not feel as sensitive as they did last month. There's a possibility that I am feeling more fatigue but that could also stem from the depression. I have no stretching feelings in my breasts or uterus like I did with the premature miscarriage in November.

At least I will have some distractions in my life soon. It looks like I have a great shot at a temp contractor position for a lobbying/PR firm through one of my old bosses. We talked about it over a month ago and I never heard back from him so I assumed it wasn't going to work out. But he called me over vacation and I am going in for an interview this afternoon.

I will honestly feel *terrible* about having to cancel the other temp job, which was to start Wednesday. I truly liked the people with whom I would be working. But the position in the firm will actually utilize my skills and may open the door for a permanent position in case the federal job does not work out. There's talk that I may even start working this afternoon after my interview. AND I will be working on some *very* interesting projects as the firm's client list is impressive.

Of course, I am also hoping that it will pay more than the temp job.

Anyway, the point is, at least work will provide with some distractions from this funk of IF frustration that I have gotten myself into....

Would you allow these cramps to give you a bit of hope? Or, would you kill the hope and convince yourself that they are a side effect of the Big C? Give it to me straight, bloggers.

(Of course, I am secretly hoping that these are a positive sign that I will get a BFP...But I need to keep myself grounded at all times so be honest!)
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So, I have been catching up on blogs over the past couple of days. They were starting to get a bit difficult to read because there are so many BFPs. I hate to admit my difficulty with such wonderful news as I truly love all of you and am happier than I could be for anyone else (especially fertiles). But every time I click on a blog to catch up, and find another lovely blogger is pregnant, it has made me sad. And pessimistic that I will never give birth to a child - that Mr. LIW and I will be too old before treatment works.

Without even trying too hard, though, I realized that my chances with IF treatment are still decent. Unless of course we have sperm/egg problems that can only be diagnosed via IVF, our IF does not seem to be incredibly formidable.

The fact that it has been 14 months or so since we actively started trying fully dampens my spirits, even though I recognize that this is still early in the game. I seriously do not know how those of you who have fought the good fight for 2 years or more have not ended up in a padded room. In my darkest moments, I seriously shudder to think how I will survive IF for that long without going crazy.

However, I am trying to remind myself that there *is*, in fact, hope for us. Incredible odds have been overcome among IF couples, including sperm/egg problems via donors. No situation is perfect, of course, and the pain of IF will always be with us, but there is hope that I will give birth to a child someday.

So, here's me trying to talk myself into a better space....

I need to remember that I ovulate less predictably than I originally thought. Those OPKs that I used last fall were unreliable. I never got a clear positive so maybe Mr. LIW and I were not doing it at the right time, or just far enough away from the right 24-hour period to minimize our chances.

It was only as of this winter/spring that we switched to having se.x every other day over a 7-day period around the time of ovulation. However, I only used one OPK successfully - that was 2 cycles ago. I have never charted my temps, either. Perhaps in the first six months (or more) of trying, we missed the mark. I didn't learn until a few months ago that EWCM can start 5 days before ovulation. I always made sure that we had se.x throughout the time that EWCM was present but never after.

Since 50mg of the Big C this month led to an early ovulation, that tells me that my ovulatory function may be more fucked up than I thought. Shouldn't it force my cycle to be more regular? The 100mg certainly worked - 3 follicles on CD15 or CD16, which is good news. But I am starting to think that I need 75mg. I realize that the fact that I ovulate on my own is great. But I think my ovulatory problem was more severe than I thought when I walked into Dr. Gentle's office.

It is true that Mr. LIW and I are not incredibly active in the bedroom. For me, once per week or two is just fine. In the early days of TTC, we probably only had s*x two or three times around what I assumed was my ovulation (based mostly on the date and the presence of EWCM.)

There's perhaos a *good* chance that we have not really been having well-timed intercou.rse for 14 cycles. Maybe our tries in only half of those cycles were truly well-timed.

So, this means there is still a chance for us, right? All of the books say that it can take 12 months for a perfectly fertile couple to conceive. I don't know if this statistic takes into account ovulatory problems but, if it doesn't, than that is cause for much hope.

And my cousin got pregnant after 14 cycles of incredibly well-timed intercourse. So, it can take a while, right?

At least now we know that I need to be monitored closely in order to target when I ovulate.

What frustrates me is that I can't see Dr. Gentle to plan an HSG until into our next cycle. He is not available the week that would be the end of this cycle. Our appointment will be on what I estimate will be CD11. Is that too late to schedule an HSG? I know that they time it before ovulation. If it is, we will have to wait another cycle before we take the next step. That just sucks.

Time bothers me. Our ages bother me. I know, of course, that so many couples have children in their late 30s and early 40s. But I finally realized one of the reasons that the age factor bothers me so much, aside from the typical worries of will I live long enough to see my child graduate college, find a significant other and settle down, have/raise children, etc. I want those things as much as anyone else.

But it is also because my dad is aging. He was 41 when I was born, so now he is 76. He looks younger than his age, certainly, and his siblings are living into their 90s, but I am truly truly worried that my child/children will never get to know their grandfather. For the past 10 years, my father has increasingly faced medical scares and problems. He is still in great health for his age but, since he still works full time running his own business to support him and my mother, we all worry.

I want to be old myself when I lose my father. Most of all, I want my children to have the luxury of getting to know him. We haven't always had the closest relationship but we are on great terms now and I am learning to love my parents even though my childhood was largely stressful and unhappy. They have changed somewhat and so have I.

The thought that it will take me so long to have children that they will never know my father breaks my heart and brings me to tears.

My nieces are 10 and 12. Whatever happens to him, they will always remember him. They were lucky that my sister married young.

How can I reconcile this concern? There's no way around it so I need to stay optimistic that IF treatment will work for us in the next year. And hope that my dad stays healthy.

Do any of my attempts at optimism carry any weight whatsoever?