Surprise, Surprise (or, IF in a nutshell)

IF sucks on so many levels. Especially when it regularly reminds us that even with treatment our reproductive systems refuse to cooperate.

I went for an U/S here in Florida on Monday, which was CD 11, and I had already started to ovulate via my right ovary.

That just pisses me off.

Even with Clom.id, my ovulation cannot be controlled.

I know that I am lucky that I ovulate at all - with and without the Big C. But since I ovulated on CD15 or 16 last cycle on the drug, one could expect it to happen around the same time this cycle. I guess cutting the dose in half really made a difference.

Or my system is just totally fucked up.

Regardless, the Ovi.drel being delivered to me by my insurance company was too late to cancel. Even though it was also too late to use it.

Part of the reason for the trigger shot in the first place was to increase my body's own production of progesterone as well as not to miss ovulation.

What *really* makes me angry is that this is probably the second treated cycle in a row that will be a bust.

Last month, I could blame Clea.rBl.ue Easy. This month, I have only my body to blame.

Fuck Fuck Fuck.

The lack of ability to control my body's reproductive functioning is infuriating. I can't deny the fact that I had been preparing myself for this cycle to fail and for the HSG that the next cycle will bring.

But I really hoped I wouldn't have to.

Mr. LIW and I have been giving it the ole college try since Sunday night. It's a good thing that we didn't wait for the U/S on Monday morning. Dr. Gentle's nurse told us yesterday to get busy for the next three days as it looked like ovulation started on Sunday night (at the same time that I experienced cramping on my right side.) Since we are on vacation, that isn't a problem at all.

In fact, I have decided that fertile people often get pregnant on vacation only because they have sex more often and, therefore, are more likely to conceive. And NOT because they are relaxed.

Anyway, since Mr. LIW and I are trying to sneak it in twice a day, I am certain that there will be enough swimmers to fertilize the egg that is probably leaving my right ovary as we speak....

Since we couldn't control the cycle as planned, though, I am incredibly pessimistic that it will be successful.

And it pisses me off that I feel this way so soon and while staying in this amazingly luxurious home on the water on Mar.co Island.

Adding to my frustration is the fact that one of my contacts has worked hard to secure a temp position for me in his prestigious firms. He finally convinced his colleague to consider me for a position that would initially involve straight PR, which is fine, and then legal research and writing (my specialties). My assumption is that it will pay more than the other temp position that I secured as well as be significantly more interesting and rewarding.

What's frustrating about this situation is that I spoke to the person for whom I would be doing PR on the phone this afternoon and was required, once again, to convince someone that I am capable.

I am SOOO sick and tired of having to sell myself. Not because I think I am not worth it (which would have been the case years ago) but because it is demeaning.

And I did it successfully in April for the federal job.

It is like groundhog day for me....one day I am deemed qualified after presenting my abilities in the best light, only to wake up and have to do it again the next day.

I don't know how sales people do it. It gets old so fast.

And it was demeaning at the clinic yesterday when I had to write "N/A" under "employer."

I nearly killed myself to get a Ph.D., believing that once I found my niche I would be employed until about age 70. I knew I would have to sell myself for a new position every few years but I never - and I repeat never - envisioned myself unemployed and consistently having to put myself out there.

I just feel like my life is out of my control. And I hate it.

I also hate the considerable cramps that I have been experiencing for the last two hours on my left side. I know that there were no follicles even close to large enough on that ovary so it just convinces me that they are pre-period cramps. I think it is safe to assume that this cycle will be a short one.

The cramps can't be from implantation as it is just too early.

So they just act as a shitty reminder that I simply can control little in my life right now.

I don't want to give you the wrong impression, though. My vacation is going well despite less than stellar weather. Fishing on the dock behind our rental home is providing for much entertainment as well as tasty experiences. The lanai provides an awesome break from the intense heat and humidity. And learning about the evergl.ades is fascinating, especially with my sister, her husband, and my two nieces in tow.

I needed to vent these negative feelings so that I could better enjoy my vacation. Let's hope that it works....