Anyone Want to Join My Angry Club?

This morning, between episodes of S*x and the City on Demand (it's great to catch up on all the episodes that I missed over the years!), I decided that I would no longer try to avoid or suppress or nurture away my anger towards my IF and my career-on-hold situation.

I would simply feel it.

I am incredibly angry that this cycle has failed. AF isn't officially here yet but she's left her dirty footprint a couple of times so I know that her arrival is imminent.

Even though I tried to convince myself that Clo.mid would never work - despite the acne and other side effects it was all *too* easy - I still held out hope.

Granted, we failed to send the swimmers before that little egg dropped due to those fucked up OPK results.

But still, like a certified IFer, I held out hope.

And I am pissed. Not simply about this cycle. But about IF in general.

Though I had a wonderful time with Serenity and Mary Ellen the other night over fondue, I couldn't help but get really angry at how much damage IF causes us. It really eats away at our hearts and souls. It makes it nearly impossible to take life as it comes and to celebrate life's little joys. And it makes it unbelievably difficult to find joy in the pregnant bellies and babies around us.

I don't want to be on this haunted house ride for much longer, even though the car has just left the docking station.

I am knew to this fucked up torturous game and I *hate* it. With a veracity that nearly scares me.

I *know* that Mr. LIW and I have a long way to go and there is simply no way around it. Another cycle of Clo.mid (read=acne and weird cramps), then an HSG, then IUIs, then IVF. Might one of them work? Sure. Will most of them fail? Most likely.

Adoption is no easy process either, every bit as uncertain and painful and scary.

So I feel powerless. If I want to be a mother, I have to sign on to this.

And Mr. LIW and I are 36 and 35, respectively, so we can't simply take a year or more off in the hope that something will just happen.

I am stuck. And I fucking hate it. I hate it with the heart and soul that are getting eaten up by this process. And I am tired of crying after each and every cycle.

I am already full of bullet holes from an emotionally-neglectful childhood, a past abusive relationship, a litany of emotionally-distant significant others.

Since validation maintains my sanity, would anyone like to join my angry club? There's no special handshake or hazing ritual. All you need to do is to feel a well of anger due to infertility and infertility treatments....

Maybe I should try to brainstorm an online activity that would help us to work through this anger....

Any takers? Suggestions?