The Mental Tug-of-war Continues

Today is CD21.

I am still getting cramps, though only a few today. Based on my notes, these cramps have been occurring since CD10.

I have actually even been nauseous a few times over the past few days. I absolutely love salad and, even when I don't feel like eating it, I never find it repulsive.

But I did the other night. Really, I thought I was going to lose it. Since I have not vomitted in 19 years (trust me, I have suffered from other horrendous ejections), strong nausea gets my attention.

I even felt two funny twinges in my breasts the other night. But they were fleeting. And I have been dizzy often. Very dizzy. Not to the point of fainting but enough to be very uncomfortable at times.

I think that I have a chance. Even though I could explain away the nausea with things like bad allergies or the heat, I am trying not to. And, as one smart blogger pointed out, the cramps could be caused by endo. I plan to revisit that issue with Dr. Gentle if I get a BFN this cycle. I can't imagine what else could be causing such frequent cramps.

So, hey, what's wrong with having a bit of hope for a change? This cycle is our best chance yet, given the fact that we caught ovulation and used a conception-enhancing drug. And lots of women (bloggers included) do not have overwhelming symptoms in the first few weeks. In fact, some of them have actually been surprised by BFPs after having no (or few) recognizable symptoms - despite having had an IVF or IUI (which involved more meds.)

There's certainly a chance that I will get a BFP. It is probably slight, I won't lie. But I have decided to (try to) hold on to it. My new mantra is: "I may not be pregnant...but I also MAY be pregnant. I won't know for sure until AF comes or I get a BFP within the next 5-9 days. Until then, I will consider it a possibility."

Maybe, just maybe, I will get a nice surprise for a change.....
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On a horribly sad note, my best friend in the entire universe, one of the only people on this planet that I would jump in front of a moving train to save, just learned that she has lup.is.

Doctors have never been able to fully explain T's symptoms. There was talk of rheumat.oid arthritis but no definitive answers were ever found. She's been struggling with achy joints and often incapacitating pain for roughly 20 years.

The doctors believe that T had lup.is all those years ago but the older tests failed to pick it up.

T is amazing. While other women who learn in their early 20s that they will probably be in a wheelchair by 40 - with a husband who was anything BUT supportive - would give up and sulk, T got physically fit and hiked mountains and continued turning her land into a flower garden the likes of which you only see in magazines.

That was 20 years ago.

Even though I think of T as 41 - I am convinced that she will never be any older than that - she keeps reminding me that she has passed the age of 45. We live a couple of hours away so we don't see each other all of the time but, even when I do, her physical struggle is not completely obvious to me. She handles it with a level of grace that is truly remarkable.

But the lup.is diagnosis did not go down easy.

T's been through some tough times. Her ex-husband was not exactly the most loving of spouses. And, after 7 years of battling IF, he blamed her and goaded her into leaving. He got the house and soon married a woman with whom he went on to have 3 children. Though she's certainly better off without her ex, the divorce was heart-wrenching, particularly because he kept their dog. Oh, and the house that they built together. The house that he went on to sell for a sizable profit.

After years with a certifiably crazy boyfriend, she has found her way to love again. But the physical challenges have gotten greater. And now the diagnosis.

You see, she lost her father in 2001. A man who also had lu.pis. And she has lost 7 other family members in the past 8 years or so. And then her cat needed to be put to sleep recently - and completely unexpectedly.

It's amazing how much one person can go through and still get up in the morning.

When I got her message last night about the diagnosis, I called her back and got her voicemail. My message began with, "Just when you think that the universe will not deliver any more bad news, it does."

Life is hell. But if T can survive and still laugh through tears - still keep that feistiness that I love so, so much - than the rest of us can, too.

So, you see, I *need* to have a little hope that some good news will come my way. Particularly because this is the second friend to be diagnosed with lu.pis in the past three months. They are both incredible women who also happened to survive IF.

And please, as I have asked many times before, for those of you who believe in a god or gods, please say a special prayer for T. She deserves it. Even if if is only for all of the love and understanding that she has given me throughout the decade of our friendship.

She taught me what unconditional love was. The *least* that I can do is to ask all of you wonderful bloggers to put in a good word for her with the powers-that-be.