Good News....and lots of anxiety

I write hesitantly because I continue to wait for the other shoe to drop.

And I am struggling with near-overwhelming anxiety this morning. The barage of storms here in the Boston area and the continued job uncertainty is getting to me.

But the good news is that I go for ivf pre-op December 18th, which is tomorrow. And begin Lu.pron shots tomorrow night. Transfer will probably happen right around the New Year.

I am nervous, though, because I mispoke when I told Dr. Gentle what CD I was on Friday. I told him that December 1 was CD 1 when, in fact, it was CD3. The confusion came from the fact that December 1 was the day I started the BCPs.

Tomorrow was the earliest that Dr. Gentle could squeeze me in. And that was already expected to put us a day or so behind schedule. But he assured me that the pill allows us to extend my cycle so that the timing will work out.

But I realized Friday night that tomorrow will not be CD 18 as Dr. Gentle originally assumed. It will be CD20.

My hope is that the pill rule still applies -that we can just drag out my cycle two additional days. If we were going to extend it for two days, can't we extend it for 4?

Does anyone have experience with this?

Once I realized my mistake, I began to panic. I had allowed myself to get my hopes up again. That we would possibly be pregnant early in 2008. I even figured out that, if ivf #1 worked, we would be due in September.

I guess, no matter what happens, all is not lost. If we don't start tomorrow, we start in a few weeks instead. What's a few weeks when so much time has gone by?

Dr. Gentle shaved *just* enough off of Holy Polyp! that I will not need additional surgery. It's still there - that stubborn bastard - but it is smaller. The u/s tech measured it at 8.5 mm. The max allowed is 10mm. I nearly cried when relief when they told me.

Dr. Gentle assured me that it wouldn't get in the way. And that it is likely to come out "when I deliver." At first I thought, deliver what? And then I realized - oh, he means a baby. Might I actually deliver a baby some day?

My ovaries are in a great location for extraction, which was also great news.

Even if we can't start injections tomorrow, at least we will have gone through the pre-op exam, paper signing, etc.

But, what if we do start tomorrow? On Friday, I was beside myself with joy. It was the first time in a *long* time that I even allowed myself to think that we may be pregnant in the short term. Or at all.

I have myself convinced that ivf #1 or #2 will work. I have felt for a year or so that we would end up with twins. A girl and a boy. I have dreamt about them many times, actually.

I am starting to realize, though, that I have nearly enjoyed this TTC break. This is the second cycle in which I didn't even consider that we could be pregnant (because it would have been impossible.) I notice twinges, aches, etc. in my body and I don't wonder. I simply dismiss them.

It is *nice* not to be on the TTC rollercoaster. As you all know, however, the IF stress is always present. And we can only really get a partial break.

Even the partial break was nice, though. The job situation continues to get to me, though I applied for another position last week. And I am planning to have a conversation within the next two days with someone who works at one of the locations to which I applied. I think he is quite influential, actually. I was referred to him by the friend who tried to help me get through the red tape for the federal job.

I *want* my life to be different in January or February of 2008. I want it to change for the better with an intensity that I can nearly taste.

But I am so nervous and anxious about it, too. What if things go wrong? What if I screw up a new job. What if I think I have finally found a great permanent job and then I hate it?

What if ivf #1 works but the pregnancy fails? What if ivf #1 works and the pregnancy is terrible but we get a baby (or two) out of it? What if I can't handle being a mother? What if I end up with postpartum depression?

What if ivf #1 doesn't work? Nor does ivf #2. Or, ivf #3?

I know, I *know*, there's no reason to make myself crazy with all of these thoughts right now.

It's hard not to.

I guess I have to let hope have a turn again. I think that I beat her out of me over the first 16 or 17 cycles of this journey.

But it is time to let her in again. I know that. I am just afraid to suffer crushing disappointment again. Though I should be a pro by now.