So, I added wrong and then dyed my hair black *UPDATED*

You know, I looked through that protocol one more time before I went to the salon last night and realized that I needed to re-adjust my expectations.

Since the u/s and blood work to decide if I am adequately suppressed will be done on 12/28, and it appears that I will need to spend 5 days stimulating my ovaries with Gonal-F after that, then egg retrieval is likely to be on or right after the New Year. And then transfer will be three days or so after that.

I hate math. I think I said that before.

I know this is not a *major* change. But somehow I felt disappointed when I came to that realization. It made me reaize how much hope I have for this cycle. Which scares me.

So, then I went to the salon. I had decided that morning that I didn't want reddish-brown hair anymore. My natural color is very dark brown, though I had reddish-brown/then caramel brown highlights for years before I decided that the grays were too numerous, which was a little less than one year ago. Basically, my hair has been a bit lighter and a bit more colorful than is natural in recent years.

But I decided that I wanted to return to a more natural color.

I like my stylist alot. I switched to her when my very favorite stylist went on maternity leave (after over three years of IF, she's great in every way.) Even though she has returned from maternity leave, R's hours are more convenient for me AND she is $40 cheaper. Given my job situation, I am trying to cut back where I can. My temp job (which continues to be GREAT, btw) means that we don't stress about money but it does mean that we have to significantly control our spending more than we used to - especially as the heating bills creep up. So, a $40 savings every 5 weeks is worth it.

Anyway, R is young. Only 24. And likes to be a bit more creative. I told her that I wanted to go darker. She explained that the red wouldn't be covered if we went to a my natural shade of dark brown. Which was fine. But then I thought it might be fun to go darker than my natural color. She was all over it. When she said, "I think it will really bring out your eyes," I thought, "why not?" It's only for 5 weeks. And I tend to feel that I look too boring these days.

But it is definitely DARK. It's black. Not to the point of a Halloween wig - and Mr. LIW assured me that I don't look like Elvira - Mistress of the Dark (and not only because I don't have the breasts and my hair is cut into a short stylish bob). I am shocked when I look in the mirror, though.

My stylist assured me that it will gradually get lighter, which I know to be true given that is what has happened with the reddish-brown and the highlights that I have gotten in the past.

I can't decide if I like it or not. Maybe it is too dramatic for me? I do agree that it makes my green-hazel eyes stand out more. And the classic red lipstick today brings it all together. Luckily, though, we don't take many pictures of ourselves over the Christmas holiday (the focus is always on my nieces) so I can forget these 5 weeks if I want (need!) to.

But I am certain that IF drove me to it. It's one of the few things that I can control in my life. And it certainly adds a little drama.

And shouldn't I have fun with my appearance? I worry too much about how I am perceived and about looking presentable. I dress relatively conservatively, though stylish. I don't have the body to wear sleeveless fitted shirts anymore or relatively-short skirts. But I can make a statement with my hair.

Right?

I am considering having Mr. LIW take a picture of me - at least enough of my face and hair so you get the point. Let's see if I can make that happen and then you can give me your opinion....

Oh, yeah, IF. I forgot to mentiont that the Lup.ron shots are a relative breeze. I barely even blinked last night. And I appreciate all of your kind words about the PIO. I am starting to feel less nervous about them already. Mr. LIW is being awesome about the shots - wanting to be there to help if I need him, thanking me for doing all of this to have a child. I told him that he can never accuse me of not wanting to be a parent after this. Especially if we have to go through it numerous times!!
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Ok, a woman I work with (my new BFF obviously) said I look like this this

She's a *bit* more attractive than I am, for sure, but maybe I am liking this color after all......
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I am certifiable. That's what I decided a few minutes ago.

How did this happen? How did, all of a sudden, I convince myself that this cycle will fail?

Crazy, I know. There are so many variables - too many to count even. How could I make a decision either way?

I need to have hope in order to get through this process. And I have reason to hope: Dr. Gentle is confident that ivf will work for us within three cycles (and he has been doing this for over 20 years), the success stats for patients 35-37 undergoing ivf cycles that include the transfer of fresh embryos at our clinic are 44%. And this stat includes cycles using ICSI. That's a high statistic, isn't it?! I am 35 (I turn 36 in April) but the stats for fresh cycles that involve patients who are under 35 is 53%. Dr. Gentle tells me that my hormones are at levels typical of women 30 or younger, so the assumption is that my eggs are younger than my physical age, too.

I have my Dad to thank for that. We age young, our Italian family. And, every time I have been evaluated medically in ways that indicate age, I have been told that I am behind my chronological age. For example, when my wisdom teeth were removed at 21, the dental surgeon told me that teeth indicate aging and mine looked like they came out of the mouth of a 15 year old. And that has nothing to do with brushing and flossing, he told me, that's genetic. My Dad is 76 and looks about 68 - or 70 on a bad day. My Aunt who is in her mid-80s should have been dead years ago. I have never seen that woman eat an entire meal, the family rumor is that she is a heavy drinker, yet she is rarely sick and still very much alive.

Anyway, so our chances are good, right? I learned (barely) enough in graduate-level statistics to know that this math is not kosher but, if our chances are roughly 30-40% with each cycle, then we should get pregnant within 3 cycles of ivf. Four at the most.

Is it bad that I want ivf #1 to work so badly that I could scream??

It's bad, I know, because it would make a failed cycle all the more crushing.