When I grow up, I want to be an IV drug user

I have never done an illegal drug in my life. Not one. Not even the "natural" one that everyone raves about and swears is not actually a drug.

There's only a few of us out there and I like to joke that I am the President of the Vir.gin Drug Club. It's my nerdier side that never allowed it. I just couldn't imagine risking my health on something that was produced with no government oversight or regulation.

(On a side note, if I wasn't bi, I would be completely and utterly uninteresting. It's actually one of the many reasons that I am proud of my se.xual orientation.)

At the same time, I am absolutely fascinated by addiction. Ok, well, my struggle with disordered eating may be responsible for that. But I didn't become a Political Scientist by accident. Human behavior is so incredibly intriguing. Especially when it involves trying to escape/deal with reality. Until recently, "Intervention" on A and E was my favorite program (now it is all repeats so I am getting frustrated.)

Anyway, all the blabbering above was an attempt at a nice little segue into a discussion of the - holy shit! - amount of injections I have to give myself over the next 6 or more weeks.

I don't have the exact protocol in front of me (Mr. LIW forgot to bring my notes in from the car), but here's what I remember off the top of my head (I will update with the specifics later.)

* Lup.ron shots start tonight (does 10 units sound right?)
* Stay on BCPs for 7 more days while taking Lup.ron
* Gonal - F once my hormones are at the right levels(my insurance pays for the pen, thank goodness, and I think the daily dose is 250, which the nurse tells me is conservative)
*U/S and blood work on 12/28
*Trigger shot and then Egg retrieval - expectation is that they will occur at the very end of the month
*Transfer is anticipated to be done on one of the first couple of days in January.
*Progesterone-in-oil shots start somewhere around egg retrieval.

Mr. LIW and I agreed, of course, to transfer two embryos - provided we have two that are worth transferring! As expected, ICSI will be used since we believe that Mr. LIW's swimmers are unable to penetrate the egg (the fact that nearly all of them are shaped funky is likely the cause of this little obstacle.) And we agreed to donate our embryos to research if we both die, get divorced, or simply decide not to use them. Mr. LIW and I are incredibly different people but on life matters like these, we almost always agree. We didn't even need to have a conversation about these decisions. It's weird.

So, as we went over the protocol, I was taking everything in stride. A little nervous about the bruises that will likely result from all of the injections, perhaps, but doing ok. Mr. LIW was asking good questions and clearly paying close attention to all of the directions, which is great. I will think that I know all of it and then will panic when I take the needle out of the package. That is CLASSIC LIW.

And then. THEN. Mr. LIW asked about the progesterone injections. The nurse wasn't going to show us the needle since we haven't gotten to that point yet but then she thought better of it and showed us anyway.

Holy, holy, Moly. Is that needle LONG. And THICK.

Mr. LIW nearly fell off of his chair.

I have mentioned a few times that Mr. LIW is quick to smile but generally has a stoic face. Even a stranger could tell that he was horrified at that moment.

He asked, a bit nervously, "does the entire needle have to go in??"

As all of you pro-IFers know, that needle needs to go into the big round part of myself that I sit on all day. Even though it is an area that clings to cellulite as if I am a seal living in the Arctic, there's plenty of muscle close enough to the surface to make the entire experience brutal.

Then Mr. LIW asked for how long he will have to torture me...oh, I mean adminster the shots.

When he was told that we would need to continue until I got a BFN or we established that my HcG levels were high enough..well...let's just say he was absolutely horrified.

The progesterone shots are the only ones that I am really nervous about, though I know I will get tired of inflicting pain on myself each and every night.

I keep finding myself assuming that this will all work, which is a dangerous mindset, I think. But that belief will keep me going, that I know. Let's hope that I am right......

And, oh, happy holidays!! Let me know if anyone will be joining the drug party!