More IF Surprises......

First, the light that I can see....

A BIG, no HUGE, thank you to the bloggers who commented on my last post. In a very dark afternoon, you brought some much-needed comfort. Farah at Fertlize Me deserves much of the credit. I know I have said this numerous times on this blog but, honestly, without this blog community I may have completely lost my sanity. Granted, my sanity is hanging on by a thread these days but I am confident that it would be entirely gone if I wasn't surrounded by wonderful women on this planet who understand what I am going through and care.

Now, to the darkness....

The Holy Polyp! removal was an absolute nightmare. Ok, no one died or was vitally injured (which is often the substance of my dreams...see my sanity comment above) but it was brutally painful and ultimately unsuccessful.

Holy Polyp! has a friend. In perhaps a blasphemous nod to my catholic upbringing, let's call it the Holy Spirit Polyp!

So, Dr. Gentle was as suprised as I was when he found a second polyp. The drugs given to relax me were great, I will confess, and helped me to stay calm. But even the maximum dose of painkillers did not prevent me from the body-shattering pain.

I know that I have a reputation for exaggeration, but I am being 100% accurate when I tell you that I thought I was going to pass out. It was the worst pain I have felt in my entire life.

The lovely, lovely nurse was very nurturing, and Mr. LIW (who I only asked to come in the room in case I didn't remember everything that Dr. Gentle told us about the procedure) was wonderful, and Dr. Gentle was incredibly apologetic.

Holy Spirit Polyp! (named, of course, because it did not show up in the sonohistogram) came out somewhat easily with regular-strength suction. Holy Polyp! on the other hand, well, let's just say that he refused to budge.

Dr. Gentle tried the regular-strength suction. Then the super-strength suction. Since Holy Polyp is connected along half its surface (instead of by a small stalk, which is often the case), it wouldn't dislodge.

By this time, I was in excruciating pain. And bleeding immensely. Somehow, I had forgotten to mention to the nurse that I have low platelets and so bleed very easily. Dr. Gentle had to apply pressure to slow the bleeding, which pushed the spec.ulum further into my va.ginal cavity.

You know how sharp those f*cking things are, right? I have asked this question numerous times to people in various professions and have yet to receive a satisfactory answer: why are spe.culums metal? Mr. LIW works on a project that manufactures missiles that follow their intended targets after being launched from Hum.Vees.

But we can't create a more comfortable spe.culum? It's bullsh*t, it really is.

Anyway, Dr. Gentle wanted to stop at that point. But how could I endure that much pain and then come back NEXT cycle for another round? I wanted the pain to be worth something....and I wanted to stay on our January ivf schedule (Dr. Gentle let me start the BCPs this month in the hope that we can move right into the procedure next cycle), so I told him to give it another try.

So, he attempted to scrape it out. Again, unsuccessful.

He stopped at that point. He wouldn't allow me to go through any more pain. And I think I was bleeding considerably at that point.

I was devastated and cried as quietly as I could.

Everyone - Mr. LIW, Dr. Gentle, the nurse - thought I was crying because I was still in pain. Physical, that is. But I wasn't. I was so disappointed. And angry. That IF had won again.

Dr. Gentle told me that, on the last try, he definitely cut Holy Polyp! The hope is that he cut off enough so that it measures less than 1cm, which would allow us to continue with ivf without another surgery.

Less likely but still possible is that the cut will cause the polyp to ultimately die and fall off.

Now the Holy Polyp! wait begins. I have an appointment on Friday, December 14th to find out how much of that stubborn little piece of tissue is left. I was too upset to ask how we were going to measure it via an u/s since I needed a sinohistogram to measure it in the first place.

Luckily, the nurse knew why I was crying. She had told me at the outset that she worked with IF patients for years before moving to the OB/GYN Special Procedures unit. I loved her at that moment.

And Mr. LIW was phenomenal. I couldn't have asked for a better partner/husband. He was clearly damaged by the entire procedure as well. And hated to see me in so much pain.

If Holy Polyp requires another surgical procedure, I will be put under general anesthesia for it.

Is it crazy that I am SO SICK OF PROCEDURES??!!

Yesterday was the big annual holiday party that Mr. LIW and I host at our home. We invited more people than we could accommodate but, as to be expected at this time of year, about half attended (40 or so). I was so happy to see so many of my dearest friends, especially because I don't get to see them often. Most were people that I worked with over the years, others are friends through Mr. LIW, and there were a handful of new friends as well.

All in all, I believe everything went well. We cooked for two straight days and our guests appeared to appreciate our culinary abilities (which Mr. LIW and I take pride in.)

But there were more little ones there this year.

I knew it was going to be hard. And I took a deep breath ahead of their arrival.

But man, it was hard. It hurt really badly.

Nearly all of our friends know what we are going through. I am really proud of Mr. LIW, who comes from a family in which nothing serious is ever discussed, because he is very open with his friends and coworkers about our IF trials and tribulations. I am also open about it.

As I was giving a few of my friends an update last night, I wanted to break down. I wanted one of those little ones zipping by me and screaming in delight at my dog Leo to be mine. I wanted someone to say, "hey, I think your little one is looking for you." Or, "look, s/he is trying to eat the cake off of my plate."

I didn't break down. I kept my cool. And couldn't process how loved I felt. How loved I am.

Unlike years ago, when I was much more socially anxious and insecure, I have more than a handful of close friends. When Mr. LIW and I realized we had invited nearly 100 people to our party, I couldn't believe it. About half of those people were my friends. NONE of the people I invited received eVites from me out of obligation. They weren't coworkers that I had to invite in order to invite others that I really liked.

In fact, I made a handful of wonderful friends through my latest (and, as of last Thursday, my previous) temp job that I wanted to invite but didn't because we were concerned about our house being too crowded.

As all of my longtime readers know, I am not religious. But I know that I am blessed - by the universe, fate, whatever. Because I open my heart to people and so many of them accept the invitation with genuine love and concern.

Of course, I have a long list of people who have taken advantage of - or tried to -that openess. But I could have responded (or continue to respond) to those experiences by closing myself off to others. I haven't done that. And so I continue to build a wonderful support system of smart, caring, funny, loving people.

I include the IF blogging community in that group.

Without this love, I would be nothing......

Ok, back to my Holy Polyp! wait.

Until a couple of hours ago, I was not hopeful that Holy Polyp! would be small enough to avoid another surgery.

Even though I have been spotting since the surgery, which I was told would be normal, it started to taper off somewhat yesterday.

But then I started bleeding slightly. As though AF had started. And there was even what might have been a bit of tissue.

There's a chance, of course, that the BPFs I am on in preparation for ivf could be causing breakthrough bleeding. But it just as likely that Holy Polyp! is breaking down.

I have to try to stay positive....I don't think I could handle any more negative thoughts right now....

And I just keep reminding myself of the hugs I got last night and the smiles on people's faces who were really happy to see me....