Who Knows Why..... *UPDATED*

but I am really depressed. Down in the dumps. I feel on the verge of tears, the way I have felt off-and-on since the other day.

Could it be the Clom.id, even though I took my last dose two nights ago? Sure.

But could it be the situation I am in right now? Umm, SHIT YEAH.

Let's review my status for sh*ts and giggles, as Mr. LIW likes to say.

Next week, maybe as early as Wednesday but definitely by Friday, I am leaving my job. Well, leaving the firm is more like it. It was never really clear what my job was. Saying that I am leaving my "job" makes it sound like I played a significant, indispensable role here. From the beginning, I was thrown into a bad situation and struggled to get my bearings. When I started to feel like I was getting the hang of things, the group I was in changed (and then disbanded) and I was shifted to another team. And that team needed me for one major project and one major project only. When that project ended (successfully, I might add) there was nothing left for me to do. There were promises about opportunities that were never realized. Since then, as you all know, I have been in limbo knowing that the firm was waiting for me to find a new job more suited to my interests and experience somewhere else.

And where am I now???

You guessed it. IN FUCKING LIMBO.

Even though I wasn't told to move on until December of 2006, I have been considering leaving this place since I started here over a year ago. So, this space I am in is getting old. And sad.

I hate purgatory I type with tears in my eyes.

It sucks. It is lonely. And isolating. I don't really belong at this firm, I know that, but I lack a solidified and clearly-delineated position to go to.

Oh, and what's the status of my fertility?

You guessed it. IN FUCKING LIMBO.

I am doing ok. At least on the surface. I am executing my professional and personal responsibilities well. Perhaps even better than well.

I am tired of purgatory. I am tired of complaining about it. I am tired of talking myself through yet another potential breakdown by holding on to the hope that I only have a designated period of time until things work themselves out.

I was convinced that I would be in a new job by April. And then it was May. And then it was June.

Contacts tell me that two months of waiting to hear from fed HR folks may only be the beginning. It might STILL be a couple of months until I receive the official offer and start my new job.

To avoid putting all of my eggs in one basket, I am sending out the occasional resume. And I wait to get phone calls for interviews.

The temping prospects look good but no matter how great the assignments (and we all know how not great they will be given the fact that they won't involve what I want to do or help move my career in the direction I want it to go), I will continue to be in purgatory.

I am 35 and struggling to get my career back on track while fighting infertility. I tell myself that not being pregnant might be a good thing given my work situation. It only deepens my depression.

I know that there are so many wonderful parts of my life and that I am lucky to have those parts. There's not a moment that goes by that I don't consider them.

But I am stuck here. I can't get out. And I am sick of complaining about it. I am tired of feeling virtually powerless over two of the most important aspects of my life.

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After a good cry last night, with Mr. LIW rubbing my knee and wishing that he could make it all better, I woke up feeling a bit better today. Just because I am 35 and have a PhD doesn't mean that my career and fertility issues have to be all figured out, right? There are people living in war zones, not knowing if they will survive the day, hoping that their loved ones will make it to a better world.

And most people in the Western world hate their jobs and feel stunted in their careers, I know that.

But I walked into work this morning and wanted to cry again. I need to get out of here. I can't get out of this space that I am in but I can leave this particular place. I don't know if it will help that much, but it simply cannot make things worse (unless I fail to get a temp job and have to live without a paycheck, but that's unlikely.)

And then I read your comments on my post and all I could mutter under my breath, again and again, was "I love my friends. I truly love my friends."

Without you, I would certainly be drowning in purgatory.