Is it? Could it be? Might it be? Is it really? *UPDATED*

Welcome to the restroom game ("washroom" if you are in Canada, and "toilets" if you are lucky enough to be living in sunny Down Under.)

AF is playing games. It is CD35 and I feel nearly exactly as though AF will be here any minute. And she is, well, sort of. She leaves her footsteps in forms clear enough for me to think that she has arrived. And then I check back later and learn that that was it. That Aunt is here but without her flow....

I would get hopeful (well, more than that little voice in my brain that I keep squashing) if I didn't feel like AF was on her way, have frequent spotting, and have a very clear white window telling me there is not even a drop of HCg in my urine.

I took the test on Sunday and maybe I will take another one for the hell of it. But I know that it will be just that...hell. Dr. Gentle mentioned that, since I did not ovulate until after CD20, that my cycle will be extended beyond its typical 25-28 days.

Mr. LIW and I gave it the ol' college try this month but I haven't even taken Clo.mid yet. Which is why I think that AF is playing games. I will finally be getting some help with controlling my ovulation and making sure that those little follicles are well-developed, giving us the best shot at pregnancy that we have had. So, the pills are basically dangling above my head as I wait for AF to show up fully. I can't start taking them until CD3.

If I had even one of the symptoms I had in November when we fertilized and didn't implant - the stretching feelings in my breasts and uterus - I would be excited. Since I have none of these symptoms, and AF keeps leaving little torturous messages, I am just annoyed.

But I am certain that I need yet another lesson in the art of waiting....

At least the cruel purgatory warden seems to think so....
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On a related but wholly different subject, the legal temp agency was more than happy to see my face in their offices this morning. I was even told by the owner of the agency that he has been trying to recruit people "like me" so it was great that I reached out to them. It appears that I will be able to be placed for most - if not all - of the summer, if necessary. I was honest about the fed job situation and they appeared to appreciate my honesty. The owner did push me a little on my career objectives. His agency places people in permanent (as well as temporary) positions and I think he is hoping that a pricey law firm will scoop me up and pay him a big placement fee. I was honest that that's not in my plans but I have learned to leave myself open to whatever fate may bring my way (isn't this one of the painful lessons of IF?) I could have clearly told him that I have no intentions of becoming a legal secretary or assistant. Not that there are anything wrong with those positions, only that they have never been in my career plans. If they had been, I would have abandoned my Ph.D. a long time ago - probably after the first class and definitely before the first qualifying exam. But why make him think that I am closed to hypothetical opportunities? Anyway, I am waiting to hear about an available assignment for the week of July 2nd. All involved are hoping that the positions available to me will involve use of my advanced legal research and analysis skills and not simply involve typing other people's documents. Lawyers tend to discard Ph.D.s in political science, even though my primary field is public law. But we will see. At least I won't be coming to work everyday remembering all that went wrong here....

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UPDATE:

So, AF finally brought her flow with her. On what would have been CD36. How crazy is that? I am usually getting close to ovulation by now since my cycles are typically 25-28 days long.

I still hate AF - and mother nature - for the torture that was the last cycle. Of course, I have the worst of AF's symptoms today (she cleverly fucks up my IBS every time regardless of what I eat/don't eat!) just to rub it in.

But life is about moving on, right? Even if it is within the space that is Purgatory. The good news is that the second night on which I will take clo.mid happens to coincide with the BBISP (the Big Boston Infertile Slumber Party), which is this Saturday at my place. So, if I break down for no reason or go insane, I will be with women who understand 100%.

Please welcome me with open arms, ladies. As of Friday night, I will be officially enrolled in the club of people who are using modern medicine to become parents.