Another Mystery *UPDATED*

In examining the state of my life right now, one *might* conclude that I am tackling enough mystery. And that I am maxxed out on the degree of uncertainty a woman can handle without threatening her sanity. That fact that something somewhere decided that I could handle just a little bit more stress convinces me that there is no benevolent higher power that carefully and lovingly plans out our paths on earth.

If someone, anyone used the "god doesn't give you anything that you can't handle" saying right now I would....well, let's just say that it wouldn't be pretty.

It's not that this latest development shakes my belief in a god - or at least the ONE god that most religions believe in.

That belief was destroyed long ago....Ph.D. training that involves reading numerous theories to explain human life and behavior will convince a person that organized religions with static doctrines and rigid guidelines are attempts at exerting power over peoples' minds. Well, at least when said scholar-in-training grew up in a very catholic household and felt like a failure because she didn't feel the holy spirit enter her body during her confirmation.

Did I mention that conservative religion's critique of homosexuality/bisexuality really pisses me off and also led to my angry departure from organized religion? And that women are too often relegated to followers with no opportunity to become leaders for any system that even pretends to value fairness and equality?

Why does having a pe.nis provide someone with a bat phone to a higher power?

Ok, ok, I digress. You get the point. I am experiencing something mysterious and it is frustrating because I need security and stability right now in my life.

I am suffering from intense cramping, which started a couple of hours ago. It's as if my entire pelvic region is seized by a big fist. I can't figure out if it is my IBS acting up, which it might be given the stress that I am under. But it is not behaving as my IBS typically does. Nor as my stomach problems typically do, either.

What I want to know is whether or not it might be the effcts of Clo.mid. And, if it is, is this a really bad sign?

I know that I am not pregnant because the OPK's second line is still too dim to indicate that ovulation occurred. But I am expecting a positive result tomorrow or on Friday at the latest. Could this be cramping from impending ovulation? If so, wouldn't it be located on only one side?

So, if someone has experienced anything similar and attributed it to their IF and/or Clo.mid, feel free to advise....
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So, the pain continued throughout the night and into this morning. I really thought that I would get a positive result on my OPK given the fact that the second line was getting a little stronger the last couple of days, though still not close enough to be considered positive. But the second line was actually lighter today.

I truly appreciated all of your comments and Serenity's great insight sent to me via a nice email. I was becoming convinced that these were pre-ovulation pains until the OPK this morning.

I decided to do a little exploration to figure out if my stomach was really to blame.

First, a little background. I was diagnosed with what I like to call a "pre-ulcer" three summers ago (an extension of a similar problem diagnosed in 1990.) I took one of the popular prescribed acid inhibitors for over a year, which helped somewhat. But when we started on this IF journey, I stopped since it was not approved in pregnancy. To make a long story short (you are lucky that I am not boring you with the ins and outs of LIW's saga of stomach and intestinal problems!), I occasionally take an over-the-counter med to help minimize stomach discomfort. I learned through an IBS informational website that long-term use of this drug typically irritates IBS so I only take it when necessary. I have been taking it the last few days given the stress I am under so I just couldn't fathom that my stomach was the cause of the pain.

But this morning when the OPK indicated that ovulation is still not imminent - despite the fact that today is CD 16, I realized that I had to re-investigate. I pressed on parts of my stomach like my physician used to and realized that the area where pre-ulcerous spots were found a few years ago were really really painful. I took extra stomach meds. The pain is much less intense now, though not gone.

And I still experience shooting pains once and a while that are outside of the region of my stomach.

I do think that it is possible that my ovaries are swollen, which may be exacerbating my stomach pain.

But I think that my stomach is the root cause of the intense pain, especially because the pain really began a couple of hours after I ate lunch yesterday. The food was great (and free since it was provided by the firm) but I think I might have accidentally eaten bulgar wheat, which is incredibly bad for IBS sufferers.

All of you are so very very wonderful for even reading this post!! I know that these types of issues are so uninteresting to other folks and it always makes me sad how pivotal they are to my everyday....

Having said that, I want to know where the fuck ovulation is!! I am a little concerned that the line actually got dimmer as opposed to stronger today. Since I ovulated really late last month, and many of you wise bloggers have told me that Clo.mid can cause late ovulation, I am just trying to believe that everything is on track. And that the pain indicates that I will ovulate two eggs this month, which will go on to become a set of healthy twins. (Yes, I am laughing at my ridiculousness here.)

Not to mention the fact that I cannot afford to worry about one more thing. It doesn't mean that I won't, of course, but it does mean that I shouldn't. I still don't have a temporary assignment for next week. Which is a problem because we can't really afford for me not to work. AND I have an interview with another temp agency today where I will have to demonstrate my skills with micro.soft office programs (the Ph.D. in PoliSci and my work experience are not enough to demonstrate that I can handle nearly any project that is thrown my way??!!) and an interview for a state job that is a bit beyond my research capabilities tomorrow.

And ah, the state job. I am conducting one of my famous crash courses on the agency to which I would be hired as well as on any relevant policy developments/politics. There are many (would you like to see the huge stack of papers on my desk?) since this agency is connected to a major policy initiative that became law in this very fine state of mine last year. (Those of you who pay attention to Mass politics will figure it out.)

This crash course model is the same that I used to prepare for the interview for the federal job. The job that I will allegedly get any day now - or in the next six months.

Anyway, who says life is hell?

ME. ME. And ME.