It's not that I lost hope that Dr. Gentle may have figured out what's been going wrong and that there may actually be a good chance that I will be pregnant by the fall (it's scary to write that). I seriously cannot allow my brain to follow the path of "what if the clo.mid doesn't work and luteal phase defect is not the problem. What next?" I keep stopping my thoughts when I get to that scary place.
Overall, I am still w.a.i.t.i.n.g. I am still stuck in this hell of what-ifs and maybes. I want to see results. In both the area of fertility and my career. There's nothing that I can do to alter the state of affairs right now. The fertility window has passed (as imperfect as it is) and I can't check in with Mr. Flowers until next Thursday. I have basically no pregnancy symptoms, though I like to think that I do. I have resigned myself to the idea that it might take us years to get pregnant on our own, if ever. That fertility drugs with somewhat-scary side effects are the only solution (the possibility of mood swings and GI disturbances for someone with depression and IBS is frightening.) I realize that I may be falling off a drama-queen cliff but I honestly and truly cannot help it.
So, the question remains, what the fuck do I do in the meantime?
That was one of the motivators for starting this blog and it remains intact. The hope is there but the excitement has now passed. Without even a little red welt to show for it.
I know that this is a frequent theme among my trusted bloggers and that there are really no answers.
But it just sucks. To be here.
Has anyone ever seen the film "What Dreams Ma.y Come? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120889/maindetails.* I watched it years ago and then caught the second half again recently. When Mr. LIW figured out what I was watching, he asked his typical "What, 'Old Yeller is not on?" question when he finds me watching something depressing (which is more often than I would like to admit.) Say what you will about whether it was a great achievement, but the plot and the imagery in that film both fascinate and terrorize me. For those of you who have seen it, remember Robin Willi.am's character's trek to find his wife in her version of hell?
How he stepped on all of those faces of souls who are trapped in an ocean of inertia?
And then how dark and dreary his wife's new "home" was? My assumption is that anyone who has experienced depression - whether clinical or otherwise - was impacted by those scenes.
My point is not that I am in a house falling apart from the dampness of misery. I have been there too many times to count and thanks to a tiny white pill at bedtime and endless hours of Susan's support and validation, I walked away from that hell. But sometimes I feel like I am one of the faces in that ocean. Not in danger of drowning (though I would be in real life because I can't swim for shit) but in the sense that I am floating but not going anywhere.
That. is. purgatory. at. its. worst.
There are days - well, more like moments - when the sun shines a bit and I don't feel so claustrophobic and I think that I soon will walk above that body of water to a safer, more peaceful place. And I know that, despite the cramped and unsavory conditions, I am growing here spiritually, mentally, emotionally. That someday I will look back and perhaps even be grateful for that time and the person it has allowed me to become.
But now, I simply still hate it. It still sucks. And it's not about to change any time soon.
*ok, my friends. I figured out how to include an active link in my post but I can't for the life of me figure out how to do it without including the url. Ugh. Does everything take so damn long?
15 comments:
Hey thanks for delurking and commenting on my blog! Glad you enjoy the humor - it's my way of dealing with all this crap.
I hate the waiting, too. I don't like trying to rush life by, but this part I could skip. Good luck with Mr. Flowers!
E
Oh boy, I hear every word you write so clearly. Those images are dramatic, especially from the point of depression. And, yes, it's the waiting that is the greatest insult, that and the negatives. All those negatives that we all tolerate.
It's not much, but I do know how to link. Try this -- using < and > instead of ( and )
(a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120889/maindetails")text you want to show up(/a)
And waiting and hoping can seem a lot like loss in slow motion.
It's a long time since I saw that film but I seem to find things to depress me without having to see that again.
The blog is helping me though, the opportunity to voice what I'm feeling and have other people reassure me that I'm not going (completely) mad (yet).
I think I'd go insane without this blog. I'm glad you get it out, so much better than keeping it inside.
There will be good days, and bad days. But I also struggle with what to do in the waiting...
Being in limbo and not being able to do anything about it sucks, plain and simple.
Hugs,
D
That movie always makes me cry.
The waiting is one of the excruciating part of IF. It seems like we're always waiting for something: AF, CD3, ovulation, testing, the next appointment, etc. And you never get the satisfaction of actually getting somewhere before the next waiting period begins.
It sucks alright.
Is there anything worse than the 2WW? Am avoiding all things depressing at the moment as seem to be doing a marvellous job on my own.
Am also about to join you on the waiting. Christ, not again.......
Will be dropping by for an update. Good Luck!
It sucks, and I hope you find the path out of purgatory.
Thank you so much for your support on my blog and your kind words. I'm sorry I haven't stopped by sooner. I can relate so well to your feelings of waiting. It seems endless at times. I hope the waiting will come to an end very soon for you.
I am right where you are when it comes to waiting. One thing that both of us need to remember, though, is that just because other people have gone through years of purgatory, doesn't necessarily mean that we will, too. There really could be a baby for you by the fall! Honest!
waiting around and feeling like you're in limbo *does* suck... also, i don't think you're falling off a "drama queen cliff" when you say that drugs known for their mood swings and GI disturbances are frightening...i think it sounds perfectly rational! it *is* scary!
i hope the waiting comes to a close for you soon in both the IF universe and with your career.
Waiting has always been the hardest part of this journey for me especially because I'm an impatient person who wants results now. I always felt better when there was hope or answers or I was doing something. But those moments where you can only wait for results or wait for your next cycle.. the days seem endless. Its when our minds wander and we can't help but think of "what if's.. and it terrified me. I remember geting anxiety attacks when I started having infertility issues and didn't know what was going to be my diagnosis. Hang in there. All of this is so hard. Big hugs to you.
I just discovered your blog today. What Dreams May Come is one of my favorites--if not my favorite. It's been showing alot lately on cable here in my area.
The waiting is hell. A mind numbing hell. I can completely relate to your post.
Don't even get me started on waiting! Thats all I seem to do too.
I'm giving some of Erin's humor a go, see if I can unearth some of it after being stale as old bread these last few years!
You can tell me if I'm at all successful :{
I haven't seen the film, but I don't get to go to the cinema often. Maybe when it comes out on DVD.
HUGS
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