I bet you can hear me screaming, no matter where you are!

I am SO angry that I am screaming. Well, not out loud since I am sitting at my desk. But you get the picture.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

What I want to know is, when do I stop getting F*CKED at this place??!!!! Have things not been frustrating enough? Once again, the powers that be where I work surprised me with a meeting and tried to convince me that they have been "more than fair" in letting me stay on here until I got another job but the process has "taken longer than anyone of us expected."

"BUT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HELP ME, LIKE YOU PROMISED IN DECEMBER???," I wanted to scream.

They promised me that they would use their connections to help me get a position in government but WHO has done all the work to bring me to the brink of a job offer??

ME, only ME and my own hard work and connections.

I have gotten very little, if any, help from them. Just a series of empty promises. Even the position in the agency they thought they could get me into - the position for which I interview tomorrow- I found via my own search mechanisms and was called for an interview because I sent in an impressive resume and a well-written cover letter.

NO ONE HAS DONE ME ANY F*CKING FAVORS HERE.

Let's recap for those of you new to my blog:

*In Jan of 2006, I was recruited (hard, might I add) by the CEO of a small firm due to the "clever" policy work I had done in my previous position in government. After a couple of meetings in which I was treated with the utmost respect and promised that a place would be found (or created) for me at this firm, I was offered a position that we all agreed wasn't ideal but was a good start.

*In these meetings, no one mentioned the fact that my new boss was a control freak and would refuse to train me for the position for which I was hired. Since I was transitioning into an entirely new field, this was a critical problem.

*After said boss drove me crazy and treated me like an intern, she decided to move away and, then a month or so after working remotely, left the firm.

*In the meantime, I was moved to another practice group that had a political focus and was seemingly in line with my interests and qualifications. Grand promises were once again made: I would get to learn A, B, and C, etc., I would be a valuable asset to the team, etc.

*After the one major and all-consuming project for our team expired, it became very clear very fast that there was simply no role for me here.

* I nearly begged for work assignments and, despite the occasional project, was never talked to about what I was doing here and where I was going. I was never given the opportunity to learn A, B, or C.

* The Friday before New Year's Eve 2006, I was led to believe that a meeting with the CEO would be to discuss some exciting new plans for me for 2007. And then the rug was pulled out from under me when I was told that, despite my "excellent" and "hard work" and that I had been a fabulous "team player" under my previous boss who was a "terrible manager," the level (read = cost) of my research skills was too advanced for this firm and that they would help me find a job in the recently-changed world of regional politics.

To avoid boring you to death, suffice it to say that I have been actively and aggressively looking for positions ever since, consulting the political contacts that I developed in my previous position, completing lengthy applications for federal government positions, sending out resumes and (what I hoped were) clever cover letters. And now I am on the very cusp of getting one of those positions, a position that I believe to be my dream job.

AND THEN I GET PULLED IN TO THE CEO'S OFFICE TO TALK ABOUT AN END DATE....

I made it VERY clear, in my classically nice way, that I have been working incredibly hard to secure a new position for myself in the shortest time frame possible. And that I had hoped that this process would have been much quicker.

And they admitted that they had been ineffective in using their contacts because the political changes have not played out as they anticipated. They realize that I have been working hard both to help my colleagues with the work that I have been assigned AND with my own attempts to secure a new position.

But that there comes a point that keeping me on "does a disservice" to everyone involved.

DISSERVICE? I wanted to scream. I HAVE BEEN TREATED LIKE DIRT SINCE I GOT HERE.

Mr. LIW and I spoke briefly before my meeting this afternoon to figure out what would be a reasonable end date if I were to be asked for one. "Reasonable" means not leaving me too long without an income, of course. This family's got mortgages and bills like everyone but the ridiculously wealthy. Mr. LIW, having consulted a friend in the know about federal government hiring processes, believes that I should be within a week or two of starting my new job by the July 4th holiday. So, luckily, the date my bosses picked happened to matched my own.

And NO ONE wants me to be out of here more than I do.

BUT

and it's a BIG ONE

I simply cannot get beyond the way I have been treated here. And the bullsh*t attempts to get me to believe that they have helped me out, as in repeated comments about "being more than fair" to me by letting me stay on until I found a new position. BUT WHAT ABOUT HAVING NOT BEEN GIVEN THE CHANCE TO EVEN DO WHAT I WAS HIRED TO DO?

I am not disputing the fact that this has been an incredibly valuable learning experience, but had anyone taken the time here to treat me with the respect I deserve, then it wouldn't have been so painful. It didn't have to be THIS painful to teach me what I have learned.

And I would not for one moment tell you that what I was hired to do - or any of the positions I have had here - were what I wanted to do with my life. But I do pride myself on being an active and enthusiastic learner and I wanted to spend a couple of years here learning all that I could about this business.

I was cheated of that. And of the chance to finally be treated like the educated, intelligent, and genuinely kind professional that I am. I left my former position because I had outgrown it and this position fell in my lap while I was trying to figure out where to go next.

Like with IF, I realize that each path is a learning experience and that I grow exponentially when situations are especially personally challenging.

But, also like with IF, I simply cannot pretend that I am not angry that things did not work out the way I had hoped they would - and that I have encountered incredibly insensitive people along the way.....

And that I am consistently not the one holding all of the cards.....