A little ditty about me and a plea for hope tutoring

Thanks to the Mama Wannabe, I have been tagged to post an "I AM" poem. After deliberating over my scribbled notes for days, and deciding that this poem truly does NOT have to be perfect or even my best work, I am finally posting my creation. And, as always, I will wait with baited breath for your comments. (And BIG thanks to Becks for teaching me how to include a link!)

I am
- at essence -
a painter of
thoughts, words, feelings,
and genuine intentions.

I am
intelligent and strong-willed,
stubborn yet considerate.

I am
a student of self-love,
a trainee in the art of self-acceptance.

I am
a scholar of ambivalence
and emotional intensity.

I am
a seeker of balance
but drawn to extremes.

I am
"different"
yet just like you.

I am
an avoider of conflict
yet a defier of dualisms of sexuality.

I am
one who expects not to be loved
but who loves deeply.

I am
your best friend
but my own worst enemy.

I am
alone and afraid
yet embraced by love.

I am
in search of peace in a tumultuous mind and an angry world.

********************************************************************
I also wanted to share something that I realized since my last post, thanks primarily in part to all of your great comments. (Is it ok to gush again about fabulous all of you are? And how you have turned a blog of ramblings into a therapeutic exercise for me?)

The reason I am so nervous about taking clo.mid is because I am convinced that it simply will not work. It's one thing to try naturally and have the cycle be a bust, it is an entirely different scenario to try something that greatly increases our chances and for it to fail.

Basically, I am afraid to try something that gets my hopes up, only to bring me crashing down, left feeling even more hopeless about our chances.

Probably in part because I read all of your wonderful and amazing blogs nearly everyday, and virtually none of you have become mothers through clo.mid, I don't believe that clo.mid really makes anyone pregnant. Well, maybe not a *significant* number of women. Maybe it works on women who would have gotten pregnant anyway but sought help out of impatience (could this be me at this point? I guess the jury is still out.) But not truly infertile women (I most likely fall into this camp.)

The other reason I am not optimistic is because I did not inherit an optimistic gene. My parents are hopeless pessimists and I adopted their mindset from a very early age. Though I have fought against this way of looking at the world, especially in the last few years, my hard work has paid off in regard to other people's fates but not in regard to my own.

Sometimes, I can convince myself on an intellectual level that things will go my way. Though it rarely makes it to an instinctive level, it still helps to calm my nerves. But the data available on clo.mid's success rates for women with luteal phase defects, at least via Dr. Google, are not entirely convincing. The chances are much improved from those in a natural cycle, of course, but I want to see 80-90% success rates.

Who am I kidding? I want a 100% guarantee, with a refund for time, money, and shattered dreams.

Clearly I am playing the wrong game since fertility odds are never that high.

(Have I mentioned that I absolutely hate gambling and stopped playing the slots in Vegas a couple of years ago after I lost $35? When I realized that I could have bought a nice shirt with that money, I stopped. I would rather use money to obtain something tangible.)

As we are all so painfully aware, there's simply no guarantee with any and all fertility treatments. But, being someone who gravitates to extremes, I think I have convinced myself that no certainty=no success.

So, as absolutely pitiful this request may be, I am asking you to share any and all information you have that will help me to believe that women actually can - and do - become mothers through the use of Clo.mid. From the anecdotal to the scientific, I will take it all.

I guess I am asking for a little hope tutoring.

Any takers?