What the $*@% was I thinking?

I still cannot figure out why I willingly (though begrudgingly) got on that damn plane back to Boston. Yesterday, my head was still a bit in the clouds and I had thoughts like "it is really not that bad here in my regular life." Today, the clouds have passed and I realize that I was a fool to think that that glimmer of peace I found on vacation could be preserved.... Argh!

Ok, enough whining....

My vacation was fabulous. It was amazing. I could not have asked for a more relaxing setting for my birthday.

I exceeded my ability to relax and realized that I am one giant step closer to achieving my personal goal of inner peace.

The weather was perfect - sunny every day - and the ocean water was ideal - 80F at its lowest temperature with stunning blue and green hues. We took trips to Mayan ruins and a village (in Cob.a) and to an eco-park featuring an underground cave populated by stalagmites and stalactites (Aktun-Ch.en.) No trip is complete without an educational component (yes, the nerd in me never takes a vacation!) However, most of our time was spent deciding whether to lie in the sun or in the shade created by the palapas (huts) provided by the resort.

Mr. LIW, always with camera in hand, captured some natural wonders. I hope to share a couple with you as soon as I can figure out how to post them on my blog (the nerd in me has limited capabilities.) I asked him to take a creative picture of me for my blog, which he did. It is probably the part of my body that you are least likely interested in (no, not THAT part) but I was surprised by how well the image matches the appearance and tone of my blog (particularly because he confessed that he is anything but an avid reader.) I shouldn't underestimate Mr. LIW's creativity, particularly since he actually reads those photography magazines that only mega bookstores sell.

Another highlight of my vacation was the voicemail message I retrieved late on Thursday night. I had to listen to it twice to make sure I heard the woman's voice correctly. It was Donna so-and-so calling to tell me that I made it to the list of interviewees for one of the federal positions for which I applied. Of course, it is the least attractive position of the three but a Lady-in-Waiting cannot afford to linger forever, particularly since she has modern bills to pay and really dislikes her current professional situation.

So, I have an interview on Thursday at 4pm, for which I am more excited than nervous. That will change - I will be a frequent visitor to the ladies room as of Thursday morning - but for now I am focused on the research that needs to be done in preparation. I am carefully reviewing the federal policy that I would be implementing were I to be chosen for the position. Without revealing too much (those stories of candidates who were rejected due to their blog postings haunt me), this position would place me in charge of providing technical and legal guidance to state, local, and private officials in New England who receive grants for a large federal program. It would enable me to play a role in helping children and families, which is my professional and personal passion.

Changes certainly seem to happen in clusters. A day or so before I left on vacation, I was pulled into the CEO's office and, while my entire body vibrated slightly and my mind raced with thoughts of being fired, I was told that I am incredibly bright and talented and, though I am searching for a government position, in the meantime, would I mind taking over the responsibilities of another employee who is leaving the company very soon?

I cannot convey how surprised I was - both by the request and the accolades. I was even more surprised when, after explaining how I am eager to learn all that I can here even though I ultimately belong in government, the CEO asked that I keep the option open to return in the future if the company changes in ways that create opportunities that fit my interests. I was shocked. Astounded. And, based on various other things he said, it became clear to me that all of those comments I made in meetings (when I swallowed my nervousness and kept my vow to speak up when I had an idea) did not go unnoticed.

To add to the drama, Friday morning brings our first meeting with an R.E. to discuss the results of Mr. LIW's SA and our next steps. I keep avoiding that long and incredibly personal questionnaire that needs to be filled out for the appointment. It is not that I am embarrassed to share personal information - the questions I have received over the years regarding my sexual orientation cured nearly all of my sheepishness about such matters - but I think I am afraid that the R.E. will look at it and say, "AHA. That lube you have been using is the culprit. You fools." A simple solution such as that would be a blessing, of course, but....

Maybe it isn't that at all. Maybe it is the fact that seeing an R.E. gets us one step closer to becoming card-carrying members of the IF club. Honestly, I am convinced that there are few if any clubs with more loving and wonderful members. But, as all of you have noted, there is much unhappiness and pain in the club. I am very afraid of all of the steps involved as well: medications, shots, etc. On one hand I realize that we might not need many of those steps at all. On the other, I am convinced we will spend years struggling with all of them, to no avail. The fact that I am a few days past 35 and Mr. LIW turns 36 soon does not escape me. Like Serenity, I am comforted by the knowledge that Mr. LIW will be parents someday, no matter what. But the thought of exhausting myself over multiple years to get there makes me frightened and sad.

See, the aura of my vacation experience is quickly slipping away....

Too much to think about right now, I know. I need to take one challenge at a time. So, off I go to read federal statutory and administrative law. A nice distraction, if I do say so myself (that was the nerd speaking.)

And though my purgatory status has not changed, I do feel as if it has shifted slightly.

P.S. It might take me a week or so to get caught up on all of your happenings while I was away. I might not comment much this week but I can promise you that I will be reading!