"Life is Unfair" is an understatement!

I learned some terrible, terrible news last night. Since I don't believe in god and do not currently have a Unitarian Universalist church that I call home, I thought I would reach out to those of you in blogland who can spare a few prayers/sun salutations/meditations to help out.

Susan, one of the most wonderfully loving and giving people I have ever known who also happens to have been my therapist for the past four years, has just been diagnosed with throat cancer. The good news is that the cancer is treatable and that the prognosis is good following a 2-month course of chemo and radiation. The bad news is that it is cancer and she is someone who genuinely adds to all that is good in this world. And the planet would suffer a great loss if she were to leave it before she even reaches fifty. The strangest and most frustrating part of this situation is that she has never smoked or chewed tobacco. She is healthy and barely even drinks alcohol (and after listening to me blabber and sniffle for four years, you think she would be consuming large volumes of alcohol ever Wednesday after my appointment!)

I don't know how many of my readers have a therapist. I have been to a couple to help me deal with stress and depression as well as eating disorders (first, compulsive overeating and then compulsive exercise.) If you do, then you know how special the therapist-client relationship can be.

Ok, so now you know that I am screwed up - though I am sure that those detectives out there have already figured that out. Anyway, I went to Susan after a 2-year break from a very disappointing 6-year relationship with a modern psychoanalyst. (Should I point out here that I stay in relationships years after they no longer serve me well?) I was in search of someone who could help me to prepare for a relocation to Sydney, Australia. My ex was an Aussie citizen and, for many reasons that I plan to chronicle someday in my "How to Choose the Perfectly Wrong Mate" book, we decided to move back to Oz for at least a couple of years. Despite the fact that my immediate family is somewhat dysfunctional (my extended family is a disaster!), I struggled with the idea that I wouldn't be able to watch my nieces grow up. As all of you know, having wanted a baby for so long and thinking through every possible facet of being a good mother, it is the being there - at birthday parties, holiday dinners, a soccer game on a Saturday afternoon etc. - that really matters to a child. The fact that my first marriage was not exactly stable as my ex was bipolar but highly unfaithful to medication regiments did not help my fear and sadness about the impending life change.

It was absolutely fated that I met Susan. I may not be religious but I do believe in fate and what-comes-around-goes-around. Susan helped me through the most difficult break-up and break-down of my life. She was there when my ex attempted suicide and I was trying to figure out how to get her to consent to going to the hospital (my ex was a woman.....guess this serves as an outing of sorts....I may blog about my sexual orientation in the future but for now suffice it to say that I fall in love with a person regardless of gender....especially if he/she is emotionally unavailable and unstable. heeeheee. Seriously, I realized that I was bisexual 15 years ago and have not questioned it since)*. Susan counseled me through that most difficult of nights and found office appointments in the middle of the day when I simply couldn't stand being in my own skin and didn't know what to do with myself. She helped me to quell my own suicidal thoughts and to know that I could get through this and find happiness again. She also helped me to take on a cruel dissertation chair while I was struggling to finish that beast and get it out of my life forever. Words cannot express how much I owe my sanity and emotional and physical health to her. She insists it has been all of my hard work but without her unconditional acceptance and validation, as well as her ability to help me to challenge my destructive thoughts, I seriously would not be here today.

When I told my husband that my father would not be walking me down the aisle on our wedding day because that role is reserved for someone who has helped me to become the best of who I am, who has helped me to get to that momentous day, he said, "So Susan is walking you down the aisle then?" That sums it up. [As it turns out, after much difficult deliberation, Susan decided not to come to the wedding in order to avoid inserting her own perceptions of my family and friends into our sessions. My original plan was to have my two nieces walk me down the aisle, which they did. The reasons why my Dad, who I love and am relatively close to now, was not chosen is yet another long story. But if you guessed that it had something to do with my first marriage to my ex, who is a woman, you would be right!]

Ok, I digress - a behavior that Susan puts up with and never seems to tire of!

Have I said yet how much I love Susan, how wonderful she is, how this world would be so much darker without her?

Though I did not ask her to walk me down the aisle, I did dedicate my dissertation to her along with to my husband and my best friend, T. The relevant portion of the dedication reads:

This dissertation is dedicated to the following individuals for helping me
navigate the long and circuitous journey.

To Susan XXXX, the first person to fully comprehend the personal challenges.

I realize that you have never met Susan, and may never meet her, but if you believe that there are some genuinely loving people in this world, people who spread only love and acceptance, then please put in a good word for her with your personal god/goddess/faith healer/etc.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

*I realize that my sexual orientation may cause some bloggers to stop reading my blog. That fear of rejection haunts me everyday and I have lost friends because of who I am. But I do not apologize for the fact that I can love people for their souls, for who they are, no matter what body they were born into. I am now - and hopefully will forever be - married to a wonderful man who adores me and is stable and giving. This does not change who I am. Like many/most of you who are happily married, I am emotionally and intimately involved with only my husband. I point out all of this because I am quite skilled in predicting the questions that people have when I reveal this part of myself. I am happy to answer any and all questions that you may have - just be prepared for honest answers.