My Heart is Broken....and a Mystery of Sorts

Please, please, please send your love and support to Mary Ellen and Steve. I simply cannot imagine what they are going through right now. I honestly don't know how anyone could pick themselves up and move on after that tragedy. I hope that they will let me be there for them. I hope that I can help. Most of all, I hope that they find the inner strength to trust that some day this will hurt at a manageable level and that they will find the happiness they have been seeking for years......

I love them both and my heart continues to break for them......

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Boy, am I having a hard time today. I feel so weepy. I had hoped that it wouldn't get worse than it was last week and...well....I was wrong. It feels very chemical, though, so I think it is the hormones and the constant shakiness and fatigue. It doesn't help that I have been feeling pretty nauseous. I had a reprieve yesterday during the day but I think it was short-lived. It didn't help that I indulged in a burger and fries for dinner last night. I think that was a mistake.

I am confused people. Thoroughly confused. My stomach excluded, I noticed that my pants are baggier. So, I weighed myself on Saturday morning and I have lost 4 pounds.

But - and this is a BIG one -

I fucking look pregnant. So much so that a friend of mine that I had not seen in a while guessed I was pregnant Friday night. She knew that I was struggling with infertility but had no idea that I had undergone an ivf cycle. She's a nurse, which was her defense at how she had guessed.

I told her to feel my stomach and she agreed with my assessment that it had "popped" already.

I am 5 weeks, people. That means I have 35 weeks to go.

My sister kind of depressed me yesterday when she told me it "is not supposed to happen this way." You are "not even supposed to look pregnant yet."

OUCH.

Perhaps it is because my body is hyped-up on progesterone? Could it have something to do with the fact that my body has been full of hormones since December?

There's still the possibility of twins. Which would at least explain it.

I don't think that the average person notices. But, if you have seen me over the last few months, then you probably would at least be suspicious.

So what does this mean? Will I be HUGE in a few months?

Ugh. The moodiness is making this a more disturbing thought than it needs to be.

I am 150% committed to letting my body do whatever it needs to do for a successful pregnancy. If I become enormous, then so be it. It won't be because I am abusing food in any way. It will be because my body is doing what it needs to do.

I am just wondering if anyone has experienced the same thing. And how could I have lost weight yet have a pregnant-looking stomach??

Pregnancy is simply the most bizarre experience. I wouldn't trade this pregnancy for the world, don't misunderstand. I am just not used to my body surprising me this way, you know? If this pregnancy succeeds, it will be only the first of many, many surprises, I am sure of that.

I think I am also emotional because I know what is at stake. The thought of losing this pregnancy scares me to the core....