It's a Life Lesson

My appetite is gradually returning to normal. Aside from a couple of temporary 2-hour reprieves over the past few weeks, I am starting to feel more like my old self again. Tuesday afternoon is when I really started to not feel so nauseous and disgusted by everything edible. I still crave french fries, and I am not entirely comfortable with all things food like I typically am, but I am not spending the day wondering if I will throw up whatever it was that I was able to eat. And with much pride, I can say that I have not broken my record of nearly 22 years of no vomiting.

The indigestion? Well, that has not disappeared. Ga.s-x keeps it largely manageable but it is still causing me grief.

Which is ok, I guess. Because when I realized how much better I felt on Tuesday, I started to panic that perhaps everything was not going right with Little Life. Dr. Gentle told me that I would start to feel better at 10 weeks and everything I read says 12, so I was getting worried that 2 days shy of 9 weeks was simply too early to feel better and still have a healthy pregnancy.

So it was a tough two hours. I worried and wondered and thought about how we won't have another u/s for at least a couple of weeks so how would I know if Little Life chose to cash out? I thought about how he could pass away without any blood or serious cramping to tell me. About how devastated I would be if I lost him.

Then I thought about how my brea.sts and chest are still road maps of blue veins. My nip.ples are still incredibly sore - my brea.sts are sore, too, though less so now. I get shooting pains through the part of my brea.sts that are closest to my chest. I continue to fall asleep around 8:30pm and never feel that burst of energy I used to feel after getting a few nights of extra sleep. My sinuses are much more active and I feel mucusy all the time. I periodically feel pressure in my lower abdomen and experience mild cramping.

And then I nearly screamed at myself in anger (in my head, of course.) I NEED to stop this. How could feeling better = miscarriage? The timing, intensity, and specific components of morning sickness vary with every woman, even with each pregnancy. So what data am I using to support these cataclysmic thoughts? If I am a researcher, why am I jumping to conclusions so quickly?

It comes down to two things: 1) since my body is so incredibly sensitive, I *expect* to be horribly sick and acutely impacted by a healthy pregnancy for the entire 12 weeks or more and 2) I read *one* post on *one* internet bulletin board by a woman who said an u/s at 11 weeks revealed that her baby had passed away at 6 weeks without giving her any signs. (I don't know whether she ever saw a heartbeat or anything else about her really, only that.)

I am crazy, I know. My progesterone level is probably steadily declining closer to a more normal level (last week it was 258), so that may be helping. Maybe my HcG levels are starting to level off. Maybe my body is getting used to all the hormones and such. Little Life was growing ahead of schedule last week so maybe he is measuring past 9 weeks at this point (despite the fact that I am 9w 0d today), making me closer to 10 weeks when I am expected to feel better. This is all possible, right?

IT IS LIKELY, for cripes sake.

I talked myself through the panic. I reminded myself that 2 ultrasounds showing a heartbeat that is consistently at the strongest possible level mean that our chances of losing this little guy are around 2%. That *most* women who get pregnant go on to deliver healthy babies. That millions of women around the world get pregnant and have babies each. and. every. day.

AND THAT THERE IS NO DARK CLOUD OF DOOM FOLLOWING ME AROUND.

I am SO grateful to the bloggers who pointed out on one of my earlier posts that their symptoms stopped early - say 7 weeks or so - and they are very far along with healthy pregnancies. I remind myself of that.

And some women don't experience *any* morning sickness at all.

After this game of mental wrestling, I went back to being confident that everything is fine in there. I still have some weak moments when I envision disaster but, for the most part, I tell myself that I am a regular woman who will undergo a normal and healthy pregnancy.

And I talked to Susan, my therapist, last night about how I want pregnancy to help teach me not to panic and imagine disaster at everything to do with this baby. I don't want to be a parent that teaches her child to believe that the worst *will* happen to them (like my parents taught me.)

So I am facing a life lesson here. And the class starts now.

I am actively fighting the scary thoughts. I am trying not to engage them, either, with an analysis of data because that causes me considerable anxiety. At 12 weeks, I will buy maternity shirts and possibly a few pairs of pants to go with them. I will hold my head up high and believe that this pregnancy *will* turn into a real healthy baby.

Before the panic episode, I spent a little time avoiding boredom by looking at a theme for the baby's room online. As many of you know, though I am one of the girliest girls around (except for what can come out of my mouth) I do not believe in enforcing gender roles. Some men are feminine, some women are masculine. We should embrace this as the diversity that is humanity.

Does this mean I wouldn't put my daughter in a dress? No. It also doesn't mean that my little boy would wear girls' clothes before he can decide for himself. But I want to leave as much room as possible, within a society that tells us how we should be before we even have the ability to think about it, for my child to choose how feminine/masculine he/she will be.

Anyway, so I fell in love with a set. And I emailed the link to Mr. LIW for his input. I told him that I think it is perfect because we both love the beach and experienced our happiest childhood moments there. He replied with "I love it!!!!" I have never seen Mr. LIW use that many exclamation points. Ever. My sister has fallen in love with it as well. In an email, I said, "I will probably buy it in the 4th or 5th month to give me enough time to return it if I don't like it." (I can only find it online.)

And then I realized that month 4 starts next month. Which both scared and excited me. Time is finally starting to move along. Still too slowly for my taste but I guess it gives me time to work on my life lesson.

Which I fully employed this morning while in line for the bagel that I now HAVE TO HAVE every morning when I get to work (even though I have a healthy bowl of oatmeal at home.) I felt lots of discharge in my nether regions. This was not unusual -but the quantity was. It was alot more than I usually experience. My first thought was "BLOOD. We are losing this baby right at 9 weeks. I will need to call Dr. Gentle for an u/s today." I nearly fled the establishment for the restroom. But I didn't let myself. I told myself that everything was probably fine. And plus I WANTED that damn cinnamon sugar bagel with lite cream cheese.

I soon got to my office, put down my belongings, and headed off to the bathroom. No blood. A little crino.ne perhaps, but no blood. Just clear liquid. And I felt better and then congratulated myself for not allowing the panic to take hold.

In the interest of celebrating the GREAT ODDS that this pregnancy = healthy baby, here's the link to the set that I plan to use to decorate the baby's room. I think we are going to paint the room a creamy white but buy the decorations for the walls to bring the theme together.......

Check it out!