LIW, puleeese talk about something else *UPDATED*

Damn it. I really want to present all sweetness and light on this blog - even once or twice in the next 5 weeks. I want to sign on and tell you how absolutely convinced I am that this pregnancy will turn us into parents.

I no longer want to feel - or talk about - the fear. And the panic.

I can't fulfill that goal but I will talk about the improvement I have made in an effort to convince myself.....

I did feel better psychologically on Wednesday and for most of yesterday. The few mindfulness exercises I did made a relatively quick impact. I realized that there are no statistics that will either predict the viability of this pregnancy nor fully put my mind at ease. And obsessing about all of the good news I have gotten so far helps only slightly.

You see, the problem with me (which is also a strength for a policy researcher) is that I think of all angles, all possibilities, both what is likely and unlikely to happen. A certified pessimist, I tend to predict - and fear - the worst.

Mindfulness exercises helped because they allowed me to breathe through the uncertainty and the fear without too much analysis. The aim is not to analyze your thoughts or feelings at all - to just observe them - but that will take lots of practice (check in with me on my 100th b'day as I might be there by then.)

But then I started getting cramps yesterday afternoon. They were moderate and frequent for a few hours at least. Mostly, they were on the left side. They have reduced in frequency and are now often in the middle and on the right side as well. But, overall, they are MUCH less frequent today than they were yesterday.

Experts at mindfulness techniques might have the ability to breathe through scary experiences like that. Since I am a novice, I failed miserably.

But there's no blood. There's no spotting. The cramps are not intense nor did they gradually increase in intensity. I have read (obsessed over!) the miscarriage information enough to know what to look for. (But what frightens me most now is the thought that Little Life could just suddenly die without a miscarriage to notify me.)

I have also read that cramping is normal. I was relieved when I found one website that noted that they could be largely on one side. That is the factor that worried me the most.

And I received more good news yesterday. Dr. Gentle had neglected to put in the order for the blood test to check my progesterone level so the lab tested my HcG level instead.

My favorite messenger called to tell me that my HcG level was 67,000, which she described as "excellent."

I ran the numbers through the calculator - it had been 14 days since we last checked my HcG - and it indicated that the doubling time is a little less than 3 days.

So I panicked a little and then realized that 14 days does not allow for an accurate doubling-time measurement. After HcG numbers reach a certain level, the doubling time slows to three days. It could have been doubling really fast for a week and is now only slowing down.

I found a chart of levels for healthy pregancies and 67,000 exceeded the normal range for a 6-week pregnancy, which is good. Since yesterday I was 6w6d (though the baby was 6w5d and the sac was 7w0d), that brought me a bit of relief. And then, THEN, the panic set in AGAIN.

STOP THE INSANITY, LIW. STOP. THE. I.N.S.A.N.I.T.Y

I am trying yet it is so so so f*cking hard.

I mean, if I lost this pregnancy, what would I do? I would take a few months to recover physically and emotionally. Then we would embark on an FET cycle - probably in the summer time. And, as long as I could keep myself from losing my mind, we would eventually become parents. Somehow.

I would survive, I know I would. I would be devastated, but I would recover. The wounds would never fully heal but I would continue living and breathing.

But I need to stop planning for disaster. EVERYTHING - and I mean EVERYTHING - that we can possibly know about this pregnancy indicates that Little Life will become a healthy baby. Sure, the fact that I turn 36 in April increases my chances of miscarriage - and the rates seem to vary. I have been unable to find a definitive answer re: how much my chances of miscarriage decreased because we saw a strong HB before 10 weeks. But the rate can't be higher than 15% at this point, especially since everything else has been perfect. That means I have an 85% chance that this pregnancy will survive. If the odds in the lottery or the slots were even half that good, I would actually play.

And that's the rub. I *should* be ridiculously confident. To the point that I annoy others. I was completely honored and lucky enough to have a near-perfect ivf cycle. My eggs were assessed as "top quality" by my RE (another stroke of luck.) Fira and Thira - and the two other embies hanging out on ice - were described as "beautiful." Dr. Gentle has been confident from the start that ivf would make us parents. And he was especially confident about this pregnancy when he saw the results of my first u/s last week. He implicitly suggested that the only reason we are going for another u/s with him on Feb 19th before he signs us off to an OB is because it is protocol. "We like to be careful and do two ultrasounds to make sure there is adequate development," he said.

So, WTF, LIW? How can you NOT feel confident that you will meet Little Life in October and s/he will change your life into a blur of dirty diapers, spit-up, and sleepless nights?

How can I be SO convinced that we won't make it? That the universe is seeking to torture and torment me?

It's irrational. Clearly, it is irrational.

Other pregnancies with less-promising early indicators have gone on to sprout healthy little people.

I need to draw on my practical side now. I do have one despite the insanity expressed on this blog. In nearly every way, I am a textbook Taur.us. This description seems to be the most accurate. I need to work against the self-indulgent side (which is how I see all this ridiculous worrying) and rely on the practical side (which evaluates the data at hand and calculates reasonable expectations.)

To assume that this pregnancy is destined to fail = unreasonable.

A reasonable mindset is one that *knows* that the chances of losing this pregancy are slim to none, even though we are only at 7 weeks. The cramping does not feel intense or sharp - it usually feels kind of muscular and even a little pulsating, both fit with the reality that my uterus is stretching. Light bleeding isn't necessarily bad but no bleeding is nearly always a good sign. Though the morning sickness has abated today, I know that it is likely to wax and wane and the fact that I forced down a big dinner of protein last night helped. I also know that symptoms are not clearly indicative of anything. What matters are the other data: the HcG numbers, the progesterone level, and, most importantly, a heartbeat slightly off-the-charts for Little Life's gestational age.

See, the practical LIW looks at all of these facts and says, "Ah, yes, we WILL have a healthy baby in October."
I am going to work on cultivating that side of my personality.

Thanks for listening to my attempt to alter my mindset. And keep all the positive thoughts coming my way. Don't underestimate their impact. Whatever helps to boost this confident line of thinking is hugely appreciated!
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You guessed it. My favorite messenger called with more good news.

The healthy/desired level of progesterone is 25.

LIW's = 336.9.

The nurse said my level is particularly great since this is a singleton pregnancy.

I am starting to believe that Little Life is stubborn and determined like his/her parents.

And in the interest of following Serenity's directive, I declare that "There is NO indication thus far that this will not be a healthy pregnancy."

In other - yet shallow - good news, I think I will need to purchase a new bra soon. Unlike the way my body typically responds to weight loss, which is to take the fat I have from my upper body and leave it on the bottom (despite the fact that it should do the reverse), my breasts are definitely more voluptuous these days. I would be lying if I said I wasn't entirely excited about this development. To fit into pants that have been a bit too tight for a year AND nearly overfill my bra? It's like a dream come true.

Granted, those two hanging things hurt like a mofo - when I hugged my friend this morning I nearly cried out and they even hurt sometimes when I walk - but I don't care. For a woman who has always yearned to wear a cup size bigger than B, this is a great experience.

I *might* allow myself to buy a new bra in the next couple of weeks. The rule I have made is that I cannot purchase anything even remotely baby-related until I am AT LEAST 8 weeks (assuming we see adequate progress at the u/s on 2/19.) Knowing me, I will push myself off until week 10. I am an expert at making promises to myself that I never fulfill as a form of self-torture. But we will see. I am not-so-secretly hoping that my breasts continue to grow really quickly. I want to have fun with this!