5 Weeks Pregnant - Still can't believe that phrase refers to ME

If anyone ever told me that I would feel like my breasts were burning without actually being on fire I would have told them that they were insane.

You see, I never feel anything in my breasts. Some women have really sensitive breasts. As a rule, I do not. Even around AF. Most of the time, I actually ignore them. I think they are too small and nothing exciting. And, since they rarely force me to acknowledge them (beyond putting on a bra in the morning), I hardly even think about them.

But, wow, has that all changed. I thought that the fertility drugs forced as much feeling into my breasts as they could manage. I was wrong.

As I mentioned previously, they have hurt for a couple of weeks now. And the feelings have only intensified lately The worst has been my nip.ples, which I seriously never want anyone to touch for any reason ever again. And I have noticed that my breasts aren't sitting too comfortably in my B-cup (usually slightly push-up) bras for a couple of days now. I actually notice the skin touching the fabric. And that I breathe a sigh of relief when I take my bra off at night.

But today is the first day that they feel like they are burning. Not *exactly* on fire, but like I have been stung or my skin is really, really raw. It's weird. But bring it on. If all of this leads to a healthy baby or two, then I am ready.

I am finding that I am increasingly nauseous and find it harder and harder to find food appetizing. And my intestines are clogged - an appetite killer for sure. This is bad for many reasons. My ulcer likes to take advantage of an empty stomach. And I feel so weak and sleepy - even dizzy at times - these days that I need to keep the food coming. I think I have even lost a few pounds in the last 2 or 3 weeks because my clothes feel a bit looser. My stomach still protrudes - and is firmer - more than before but I don't think I have gained any weight yet. Which is good. I know that my time will come.

Overall, I am still ecstatic. And incredulous. And grateful every minute of every day for this pregnancy.
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Ok, this is a total tangent. I just wanted to scream REALLY REALLY LOUDLY because this world is so unfair.

I just got word that Mary Ellen may be in full-blown labor in Pheonix. This is TERRIBLE. And so unfair. If she loses those three little ones I don't know how she will survive. How do you get through that, especially after years of fighting with IF??? Please pray or do whatever you do that might help.... I might actually say a prayer or two in case I am wrong about the "no god" thing.

Also, my SIL came out last night to her parents. She is 18 and confided in me last year that she has known since she was 5 that she was a man in a woman's body. I thought she was a lesbian because, well, she looks like a lesbian and reminds me of my exes in some ways. She came out to me knowing that I am bis.exual and that I am very progressive. She told Mr. LIW last year over Christmas while she was visiting. Mr. LIW, because he is one of the most wonderful men I have ever met and is an incredibly dedicated family man, vowed to stand by her no matter what.

(I realize that I should refer to my SIL as "he" but I can't yet, at least not until you understand the story. I have agreed, of course, to start calling him by his chosen name "Liam.")

So, my SIL told me a week ago that she wanted to come out to her parents. Neither me nor Mr. LIW thought it was a good idea. We were hoping that she would wait until college. But she felt ready and had found a really supportive group to turn to if she got kicked out of her house.

Well, needless to say, it didn't go well. In fact, it went terribly. My MIL told my SIL that there was no such thing as trans and that she was just trying to be cool. SIL was terrified and didn't know what to say but started to say something about how I have had trans friends (which is true) so my MIL BLAMED IT ON ME. She said, "LIW convinced you to think this." And my MIL doesn't even know my sexual orientation, she only knows how progressive I am.

Mr. LIW and I decided not to tell her about my sexual orientation years ago because she *never* asks any questions about me or my past. But Mr. LIW promised to stand by me no matter what and, if she couldn't accept me, then she wouldn't be part of our life. His mother had been so rude to his ex - ignoring and dismissing her to her face because she hadn't finished college and had a daughter. Mr. LIW didn't do much about it at the time and regretted it. So, he made it clear to my MIL that she better treat me well very early on in our relationship. She made some excuse - as in, "that's the way I am" (nice apology, huh?) - but she has treated me well all along - largely because I have a PhD.

Anyway, I kind of wish I had told her then - maybe it would be a little easier for my SIL. But maybe not. My MIL *thinks* she is open-minded but she isn't. I understand that being trans is bizarre to people but, if nature does lots of mysterious things, why can't we believe that mistakes are made in terms of a person's sex?

So, Mr. LIW and I talked about it this morning. We are both disappointed in - and angry at - his mother. His father has said nothing about it and hasn't even talked to my SIL about her coming-out letter. I have a feeling he would choose accepting her over losing her. But we will see.

Mr. LIW is ready for battle with his mother, I think. When I said, "well, there's our answer as to whether or not she would have accepted me" he said, "I just might tell her about you." That's fine with me. I hate being closeted with anyone. Not to mention the fact that my MIL is NOT easy to take. She is self-absorbed and controlling and has no idea what compassion is. She's gotten better but, honestly, I could survive without her. It would be sad for our kids not to know her but it won't be tragic. We have been waiting for my MIL and FIL to divorce for years (we think it will happen next year) so we can still be involved with my FIL if he is willing. My children will have my family and a boatload of my friends. As will Mr. LIW and my SIL. She may move in with us after she graduates in May. We will see how it all pans out. But please send her loving thoughts. I am trying to make sure that she does not fall victim to the siren song of suicide. She hasn't said anything on that score lately but she won't promise me to the contrary, either. I have told her about the fact that there ARE people who will accept her, especially here in Boston. She's in Colorado so I can't physically check on her. I just don't want to lose her.....

Mr. LIW says that it's up to his mother now: she can be cruel and/or she can try to accept her. She doesn't have to *understand* where my SIL is or how she got that way. But she doesn't have to be cruel and hateful towards her.

It's just really, really, sad. This world is SO unfair. For two wonderfully smart and great people - Mary Ellen and my SIL - to be enduring so much is simply unfair.

I wish I was powerful enough to reward good people with an easier life.....