Maybe there is a Santa Claus after all.

But not in the persona that helps to sell millions of useless gadgets every year.

I feel significantly better today. I cried again a couple of times yesterday but that's not too bad considering how hard - and how long - I cried on Wednesday night. Yesterday, I felt so emotionally battered and bruised and exhausted, which makes me especially teary anyway.

But all of you have helped me to feel better. I left my best friend T a teary message on Wednesday night and she called me right back. She talked me through the worst of it and helped me to keep things in perspective. She is childless - something that still hurts - but she has moved on with her life. She finds value in a few of the things that she can do because she does not have children. And this is someone who lost her marriage and her house at the end of 7 years of unsuccessful IF treatments. T and I are alike in SO many ways - in all honesty, I wouldn't know how to live on this planet without her - and if she can survive that and all of the other painful shit that has come her way, then I can survive this. Umlike T's husband, Mr. LIW is all for adoption. I need to remember that.

Serenity, of course, was immensely helpful as well. She pointed out via email that accepting that we are in this IF game for the long haul helps to take the sting out of it. I have continued to treat this like a race (I only have to hold on for 6 months, then for 12 months, then for 14 months and then I will certainly be pregnant.) I need to start weaning myself off that. It's the way I handle many projects in my life - it's how I endured graduate school, writing a dissertation, etc. I keep myself going by focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel. There's no end of the tunnel here - or, at least the end is not yet in sight - and that is seriously compromising my coping abilities.

In fact, it is the same situation with the federal job. No one can tell me when I will finally get the official offer.

I am not good with uncertainty. I can handle pressure, I am - without a doubt - an over-achiever, I typically perform at levels that exceed others' expectations (though rarely my own.) But those are projects and objectives that have at least marginally-clear finish lines. These have none. And the ones that I created to keep me sane keep crumbling.

But I have had some wonderful support from people over the last couple of days - all of you bloggers, Mr. LIW, T, etc. I even had some great conversations with people that I work with yesterday (not about IF but about my education, dissertation, volunteer work, etc.) I am realizing, once again, that I tend to underestimate other's perceptions of me. And Serenity's statement in her email this morning wrapped up all of the recognition and appreciation of who I am and what I have accomplished into an extraordinaryt package.

Serenity: "And that's why I look at you, this amazing strong woman who really doesn't get how awesome she is, and I just want you to see yourself from my eyes."

I may be one of the luckiest people on earth to have found so many amazing friends and loved ones!

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On a separate but certainly related note, AF is still not here. There's no spotting, very little cramping, really no sign (or sensation) that she is imminent. My nipples are pretty sore - more than they were at this time last month - but I could attribute that to the Big C.

I am also still periodically dizzy. My stomach is a bit queasy. I am utterly exhausted.

But those symptoms could easily be explained away: allergies, stress, crazy work pace and stress.

I am trying to keep hope in check. I do have moments of intense wishing, though, particularly since Dr. Gentle told me that I should do a HPT test today if AF doesn't come. But I can't bear it. I realize thatt I don't have many tears left but I simply cannot stand to see another empty space where a second line should be.

I am really expecting AF to show up today or tomorrow. Beyond that, I am not sure what I will do. I simply cannot let myself think that far. Every time I hit the bathroom and emerge not needing a tampon, I exhale.

I keep reminding myself that we really don't know when I ovulated - it might have been as early as CD12 or as late as CD15. Since today is only CD29, and Clo.mid might have helped with the spotting issue (per Dr. Gentle), then it is conceivable that AF would come on Sunday - by the time hope really kicks into gear.

(And we all know how out-of-whack my cycles can be - they are usually closer to 25 days but I have been as late as 34 days). Perhaps 50mg of the Big C didn't regulate it like the 100mg did last month.

If AF doesn't show up on Monday, then I will go in for a beta as Dr. Gentle instructed. But I plan to take it one day - one bathroom visit - at a time. Mr. LIW have plans to stay at his family's little beach house this weekend - his family won't be there but mine will come for dinner. And the weather is supposed to be beautiful, which means two great beach days. My goal is to nap while lying on the sand and smile and laugh as much as I can.