And the hits keep coming

I learned last week that the federal job fell through. The reason the process had taken this long is because someone with "veteran status" had challenged Mr. Flowers' selection of me for the position. Mr. Flowers really believed that Washington would come down on his side but it didn't. It was either hire the veteran or close the job posting. So he closed the job posting. And he is re-writing the position with the hope that I can again make it through the initial essay screening process and on to the interview stage. Mr. Flowers clearly wants me to get the job and I still find him to be an incredibly kind person. But I am annoyed that he didn't tell me until I called him multiple times and just happened to get him on the phone. He was waiting until he had the new job posting up so that he had some promising news....

Needless to say, this was quite a blow.

I am still entirely unsure of whether or not this contracted position will go from temporary to permanent. Since my month contract expires at the end of this week, a discussion should happen on Thursday or so. I am figuring out how to show interest in a permanent position without sounding as panicky as I feel. I just don't think that I could handle another conversation about a place that cannot keep me on like at the last position. The contact who helped me get this job tells me to simply keep doing what I am doing (read: work my butt off) and try to especially impress my boss on one of our big accounts. I have certainly followed his advice.

Luckily, one of the business proposals I wrote received rave reviews from a potential client - so much so that the attorney who talked to this client was surprised by the client's "effusiveness." Even though the client chose another firm with more experience handling her particular situation, she insisted that she wanted to meet with my boss in the hopes of working together in the future. My boss was clearly pleased with my performance.

I believe that everyone is pleased with my performance, actually. The only problem is whether or not they believe that there is enough business to add a permanent person to their team. And that is out of my control.

And what about our chances of a BFP this cycle? I am honestly trying to write them off. I simply do not think I can afford to handle disappointment in that sphere right now. Once ovulation passed, I haven't been paying much attention to which day it is in my cycle. I think today is CD17 so I still have another 10 days or so to go before I know for sure. And we meet with Dr. Gentle on September 4th.

The only symptom I am experincing is IBS distress. But, since Dr. Gentle told me that the HCG shot stays in my system for 10 days and that the shot causes my body to produce more progesterone, I am quite confident that my symptom is not from success. I have no other symptom - not one. Granted I guess it is early but I am trying to consider this cycle to be just another step towards IVF.

What I do know is that pregnancy is likely to substantially aggravate my IBS given my reaction to the shot. I am using that to feel better about a BFN - that this flare-up will end and I can go back to a more comfortable existence. There is a small shimmer of peace in that.

Would I rather get a BFP? You bet!

Would I rather get a BPF after accepting a permanent position in this place that I really and truly enjoy working?

Hell yah!!

But, in the meantime, just in case any of you thought that I *might* be close to getting my ticket out of purgatory...it is clear that I continue to be a resident (despite my kicking and screaming.)