Superstition - Is it just plain silly?

The first couple of times I thought that I was pregnant (how could all of our efforts not have been successful when we were tracking my cycle so closely?? HAHA how naive was I!), I allowed myself to think about buying baby things. Those couple of months were, of course, the first two of TTC. Then when I was pregnant in November, I was more nervous because all of the pregnancy signs and symptoms were not supported by those damn sticks. But my body told me what was going on, sending me feelings and sensations I never even thought I could have. In fact, there were body parts that I didn't know could even HAVE sensations. But, alas, I learned - at the end of what turned out to be a 40-day cycle - that I had what OB/GYNs refer to as a "premature miscarriage," which basically means that fertilization occurred but implantation - not so much. In those two weeks of waiting for my period - and begging the sticks to present two lines - I learned to be much more cautious about my thoughts and dreams of purchasing baby essentials.

So, that brings me to the question that I pose today. Is collecting baby items dangerous in any way? And I don't necessarily mean in a will-cause-a-miscarriage way (though those thoughts do scare me, no matter how irrational they may be) but in an emotional way. You see, this is the situation. My sister has two near-teenage daughters (I guess the term for them would be tweens) and, between the time that my younger niece graduated to a twin bed and last weekend, my cousin borrowed the sturdy and nice-looking crib that my sister purchased when her first daughter was born. My cousin no longer needs it and my sister doesn't want to throw it out or store it, given the fact that it is in great condition. Knowing that I am TTC, my sister offered it to me, which I appreciate.

But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am afraid to accept it right now. This decision is especially poignant because AF should have arrived as early as two days ago. My cycle length varies from 25 to 28 days but, if AF doesn't make an appearance by Friday, then I will be POS. That crib could be a frightening reminder of what could have been - if AF chooses to arrive - OR how much I could potentially lose as I pray to a god in which I don't believe to grant me a healthy and happy baby at the end of a wonderful pregnancy. The whole crib bit feels too soon but, at the same time, I want to be excited about it and I am curious to see how it looks in what will be the nursery....

That brings me to dreams. You don't realize how much you haven't allowed yourself to dream until you release the floodgates - even only partially. Today, as I enjoyed the beautiful weather (for a change!) on my lunch break, I let myself think that this just might be IT. The month that Mr. LIW and I have been waiting for. I don't have the symptoms that I had in November but I am dizzy, my temperature has been high since Sunday (I haven't been tracking my temp so I only took it because I felt feverish), I have been craving intensely-flavored foods for nearly two weeks now, I am even more thirsty than usual, I have had unusual cramps, and I am incredibly hungry. But these symptoms could easily be explained away by other factors (allergy season, endometriosis, etc.) But I let myself hope, just a little, and was surprised by how different it felt and how much I had shut off the part of my mind that dreams since November. I honor all of those women out there who have handled m/c and unsuccessful treatments. My secret fear is that I will learn these experiences firsthand. And that fear is what makes me hesitant to take the crib right now.

But I want it, I really do....