The Hardest Thing Right Now....

Is managing the anxiety.

The new job is great, it really is. I like the people that I work with, I like the fact that the company appears to value its employees and truly seeks to help them to grow instead of eating them up and spitting them out (the latter is the norm at agencies.) Nearly all of the accounts I work on are interesting and I am constantly - and I mean CONSTANTLY - learning. My days fly by because I am almost always incredibly busy.

The hard part is that I am not, by training, a PR professional. My direct PR experience equates to a crash course. At my level (I am technically at the bottom rung of the management scale and only a level or so away from VP, which means I manage employees from 4 lower levels), PR should come naturally to me. Be instinctual. It's not.

The strategy components are, to a certain degree. At least in terms of thinking about how to influence people through discourse. When the topic involves corporate responsibility and/or policy (even remotely), my instincts are quite valuable. When it comes to knowing what should and should not be included in a press release, well, not so much.

Which is scary. Because central to my responsibilities is cleaning/polishing the writing done by junior-level staff. I am not insecure about my writing abilities - writing is, and has always been, one of my strengths. My blog style does not reflect it since it is conversational, but I am actually a kick-ass writer. That I know. But, at the same time, I have not spent my career writing press releases and white papers. Therein lies the challenge.

Susan, my trusy therapist, reminds me that, based on my resume, it is clear that I possess approximately one year of direct PR training. In fact, my training amounts to less than that. But even if my employer's and peer's expectations are a bit inflated based on my own clever PR regarding my qualifications, noone must expect that PR skills are innate for me.

You know me, though. I aim to excel. And I really like this company and can imagine staying here for at least a few years until my dream government opportunity comes along (policy advisor to a powerful chief executive at the municipal/state level.) So I want people to be happy with having selected me. I don't want to fall short of expectations. In fact, I want to exceed expectations - theirs as well as my own.

Part of the challenge comes from the fact that I will be covering for a peer when she leaves on maternity leave any day now. Her due date is June 17th and I keep secretly hoping that she doesn't go early. Because I have been working my ass off to come up to speed on two of her accounts - three accounts that possess demanding clients and busy schedules. Luckily, two of the other accounts I am on are new to the company. For the sixth one, I am "shadowing" the current manager until she fully leaves the company in August. That one is the least exciting but, luckily, is not fast-moving, which should help me to ease into it.

The point of the story is that I am, once again, struggling with the fear that I am not good enough - and in a place that I truly want to belong.

Mondays are the hardest.

I ordered a book with tips on pitching that received great reviews. And I plan on reading/researching press release tips. I am very skilled in the art of self-training so my fingers are crossed that I can pull it off yet again.

*Sigh*

As for LL, his movements still do not fit a clear pattern. Some days he is more active than others. Some days he is active from late morning to afternoon and then again in the evening. Some days he is relatively subdued. I keep reminding myself that I read that I can not expect regular activity until 28 weeks, which helps me not to panic. Luckily, I feel at least 10 movements everyday. And I think I have figured out his favorite position. I seem to feel most of the kicks on my upper right side. In his ultrasounds, he was usually lying face up with his head on my left and his legs on my right. I am getting the sense that that is his favorite position. That's so cool that I can't get over it!! I often have images of him lying on his back with his hands behind his head just hanging out. It's so cute that I can't stand it!!!

Mr. LIW *finally* got to feel a few of his kicks the other night. It was really awesome. Now every night Mr. LIW puts his hand on my belly hoping to feel something. Which makes me nervous for some reason. I try not to expect his movements so that I don't worry when they don't happen. Mr. LIW's expectations interfere with that approach.

Tomorrow is my regular appointment. Is it possible that I hit the 6th month mark on Thursday? Every day brings LL closer to viability. I think about that more than I would like to admit.......