All's Well, Though Heavier

So the NP confirmed that the heaviness I have been experiencing in my lower belly/abdomen is a result of round ligament stretching. Sitting all day puts a lot of weight on the ligaments. She advised doing yoga cat/cows when I can to ease the weight on my back.

She also agreed that the random pains I experience are typical aches and pains from my organs shifting and my uterus growing.

Once again, PHEW!

So there I was, talking about how LL worries me because he has not been as active as he was when I first started feeling movement. He moves frequently most days, but I have experienced few actual flurries of activity since 20 weeks. I was reassured that we should not expect clear patterns until 28 weeks so not to worry. And that an anterior placenta will cushion some of his movements so I am probably not feeling all of them.

And then LL was a moving machine when the doppler came out. He had been active after lunch - more so than usual - and was clearly shifting around when we tried to measure his hb. He did stay still long enough to register 140, which I am told was perfect (anything between 120 and 160 is ideal.)

The NP says with a smile, "You might have a very active baby." And I thought to myself, also with a smile, "yes, and one who is not very cooperative. I know this is only the beginning."

Something about the doppler must have set him off. He was so incredibly active last night. He's been more mellow today but he definitely has moved many times. I love his movements and always hope for more rather than fewer. I know that I might regret this in a few weeks when he wakes me up at night but every time I feel movement, I breathe a little easier.

LL is not the only one to have gained weight this month. Together, we put on 8 1/2 pounds. Just like that. In one month. I was not too surprised because I weighed myself on Sunday - I didn't want to be caught off guard. Plus I have been feeling heavier.

I asked the NP if this was ok and she said that I have now gained (according to their records) 12 1/2 pounds, which is "perfect."

I told her that I believed that the weight has been confined to my midsection and she agreed that my face does not look any bigger, that it appears to be baby weight, that maybe my body is catching up.

But the ugly body-image demons were released. I simply couldn't help it. After the joy of knowing that everything appears to be ok with LL, I started to get nervous about the weight I was gaining. Not my belly and chest - I absolutely love that part of my body right now - but whether or not I was gaining weight in my usual suspect areas.

When I got home, I simply couldn't help it. I tried on my non-maternity pants and realized that I had, in fact, gained weight in my lower body (in addition to my bell, obviously.)

I was upset about it. Not to the point of tears but it definitely made me anxious. I knew why it happened - the NP mentioned that juice is a typical culprit and she is right. I *heart* juice right now. Or any flavored drink for that matter. Plus, with my new job, I walk less. I used to take a 20-minute walk 3 days per week from my office to the subway. Now I am forced to drive everywhere.

So my mind obsessed like it used to: I would walk a little more during lunch and cut down a bit on juices and milkshakes/icecream. That the "fun" of not worrying about my weight was over.

This morning, the obsession continued so I pulled one of my favorite recovery books off of my shelf ("It's Not About F.ood") to glean some of the highlights. I resolved to tell myself throughout the day that "My Body is Sacred" and that hateful comments will not be tolerated.

That helped me feel better somewhat.

And then I realized what was so incredibly obvious: The stress comes from the idea that I am not the perfect pregnant woman (in terms of weight gain) that I hoped I was becoming. Losing weight in the 1st trim, which brought me down to a size at which I am generally more comfortable, gave me the illusion that I would only put on baby weight, which would nearly all come off (except maybe 5 lbs) after LL was born.

Instead, I may be a *normal* pregnant woman after all - one of the millions who put on a little extra weight in areas that they didn't need to in the first place. Isn't my body just trying to make sure it has enough fat stores to feed my baby no matter what?

And, when I step back, I realize that my current weight is really only 10 pounds higher than my normal weight anyway. I was counting from after I had lost a few pounds prior to ivf #1 and then after I lost weight from morning sickness. If I look at that number, it means that I have gained 16 - as opposed to 12 1/2 - pounds.

But even 16 is not tragic. If the estimate for weight gain for women at normal weight, the expectation is that we will gain 25-35lbs. For overweight women (I hovered on the normal/overweight line), the max expected is 25lbs. At six months pregnant, I fall into a relatively safe category whether I count 12 or 16 pounds weight gain. I am still on track to gain a normal, healthy amount.

Just like I won't be the perfect mother, I won't be the perfect pregnant woman, either. There's nothing wrong with that.

Not to mention the fact that I would do anything - and I mean *anything* - to end up with a healthy, happy baby in the end. I am so so very grateful that my body seems to be doing the right thing with this pregnancy. I know, from the bottom of my heart, that that is NEVER something to take for granted.

"My body is sacred."