As always, there are never enough thanks to go around

Thanks, thanks, thanks for all of your supportive comments. They really have been helpful!!

I have cut back on my most fattening snacks and have really tried to be a little more careful about confusing thirst with hunger. I don't think I have ever been more thirsty in my entire life! I am still drinking juice and the occasional juice drink but I have cut back. One a day is my max. Overall, I am feeling better though I have noticed that I get out of breath very easily now. I have to remind myself that it is not because I am horribly out of shape - only that my lungs are becoming increasingly squished! Overall, I feel ok about my body.

When all else fails, I put things into perspective. LL is the most important being in my life right now. Which causes me concern because I find myself worrying that maybe he is not moving enough, maybe he is slowing dying and I don't know it, etc. etc. But I read that fetuses don't develop consistent patterns until 26 weeks so that helps. And I DO feel him move off and on throughout the day. He seems to twist and roll more than kick but I prefer the kicks because they are nice and strong. Those reassure me the most.

Speaking of kicks, work is kicking my ass. I really like what I do and at every turn I thank the universe for ending up in a great company. I am intellectually stimulated and challenged each and every day. But, alas, one of the VP's has turned out to be similar to the type of people I have worked for in the past. She presents herself as a hands-off manager, someone who wants me to take charge of the team. I follow her direction, instructing the team on what to do, and then she completely changes her mind - having forgotten her initial direction. Making me appear to the team that I don't know what I am doing and can't be trusted. At first I assumed this happened because of my limited experience but I swallowed my pride and opened up to my peer ambassador. And she told me that everyone at my level working with her is experiencing the same. We are all frustrated. And the information is making its way to the other VPs. Her management style does not fit with the culture here. I can't tell you how reassured I was, though I am still stuck with the task of trying to read her mind. There's a life lesson here because I keep ending up in this dynamic.

I also learned that one of the accounts I am covering for a colleague about to go on maternity leave should be my first priority. The VP on that account is incredibly influential around here. Of course, it is the toughest account - the number of moving parts and the need to keep junior staff on course is exhausting - but at least I know where to focus my energies. And he told me yesterday that I was doing a great job after the client (who also happens to be quite demanding) pointed out a mistake the team had made. My colleague is still involved and came up with the perfect way to handle it but I played a role in putting out the fire as well. The best part about this situation is that the VP is an incredibly nice person and a great manager. It is very comforting to see that someone like that can move up the ladder. That reaffirms my belief that this is a company worth hanging around for a few years, if not longer.

As for the wounds of IF, I do feel a bit healed in that regard. Maybe a little more than I expected. But don't misunderstand - I just learned that a former coworker is having another baby. They got pregnant on their first try for their daughter - my coworker is 38 and his wife is 31. And now they are pregnant again, I assume this happened easily as well. Why can that still exert such an impact on my soul? This manifestation of IF will never go away, of that I am certain.

But my spirits are a bit lower today. It didn't help that Mr. LIW is out of town and my poor sick cat shit all over the bathroom floor. Mr. LIW won't be back until Sunday evening so what could I do? I had to clean it up. I realized afterwards that I should have held my breath. I washed my hands twice afterwards and then used antibacterial gel. I hope I don't get sick from this....

Ok, off to tackle a number of projects with a tired, blurry mind....