No Surprises Here....

The beta was negative, per my expectations.

How will I console myself? Let me count the ways...

1) by the knowledge that the cause of the feeling that AF is coming is not because of a pregnancy about to fail but because I am, in fact, not pregnant (for me, better a negative than a failed pregnancy);

2) my plan to continue to eat a little less and exercise a little more in an attempt to get back to a more natural (and did I say attractive?) weight;

3) the hope that the above plan will leave me looking and feeling sexy again, since I have felt like a fatty blob for months now;

4) sushi for lunch;

5) my favorite drink - a BIG one this time;

6) a dinner date with my husband, which involves at least one and maybe two fancy (STRONG!) cocktails (and I won't be sharing them, Mr. LIW will get beer);

7) a few short cries snuck in throughout the day.

8) have I mentioned focusing on my plan to drop 7 to 10 pounds over the next three months?

But how hard can this really be to deal with, right? Nothing has changed. I have certainly been here before. I would count the number of cycles but that would definitely push those tears right out of my eyes. I will estimate though that, since my cycles are usually 26 days or so, it's been over 17 and maybe even closer to 20. Dealing with these feelings should come as naturally as brushing my teeth and washing my hair (though luckily I do those two things MUCH more frequently!)

What scares me to the very core is that this is more *evidence* that we will never have a biological child.

But my very dear Serenity is right that ivf is an entirely different ballgame from an IUI. IUIs are minimally helpful and cannot necessarily compensate for our problems.

After AF arrives, I will make an appointment for an u/s to check on the polyp on the lining of my uterus that was identified during the follicle checks. If it is still at a certain size, I will have it removed.

When we discussed it with Dr. Gentle, I nearly begged for a D&C since I knew that that could increase our chances of implanting successfully were we to fertilize in an upcoming cycle, but I was told that it would be a very limited version. Maybe that enterprise will yield some useful data...

And the urologist may be confident that surgery could rectify Mr. LIW's morphology problem. We'll see what he says on October 12th.

We see Dr. Gentle on October 12th. Once we get the urologist's recommendation, we will know when/if we can petition our insurance to pay for ivf without having to go through two more IUIs.

I am SO SO very grateful that we live in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts so that we do not have to factor cost into seeking ivf. I know that we are lucky in that regard, and I don't take it for granted one bit.

I have been convinced for a while that we will need to take the ivf route...what I am not convinced of is whether or not it will work.

But I can't worry about that now, right? I need to grieve this failed cycle and move on.

I just have trouble hoping that it will EVER happen.