No matter what, I will be ok

No matter what, I will be ok

This is the mantra that I hold dear these days.

The grieving process is progressing nicely. I don’t know how else to say it, really.

I am feeling somewhat better about the prospect of not being able to give birth to a child/children.

I have thought about adoption for years and assumed that that would be the avenue to parenthood with my ex. We ended up deciding to go the sperm donor route instead but, luckily or unluckily, we broke up before we officially started the process.

Though I grew up wanting to be a mom, I spent a good five years or so planning not to raise a child since I couldn’t bear the thought that I would be a bad mother and end up psychologically handicapping an innocent person. I was honestly content with being a very hands-on aunt, especially to my younger niece (K) who looked eerily like I did as a baby.

So, what changed?

First and foremost, years of therapy and introspection taught me that I could, in fact, learn how not to force a child to carry on my family’s dysfunctional legacy. That it is ok not to be perfect - even as a mother. That parenthood would be a work in progress like any other challenge that I have taken on. And, overall, that I am a good person who could - and would - love her child/children with all of her heart and soul.

Then I felt ready for the ultimate challenge of parenthood.

Even through the difficult period of resolving my food issues and tackling my ever-struggling body image nearly two years ago, I knew that I would use my resources and inner strength to spend the most formative nine months with my baby in ways that would contribute to his/her healthy development.

And now the possibility that I may never have that challenge is frighteningly real. There are gobs of sadness and envy tied up with this realization, which I have been firmly working through over the past month or so.

But this weekend I had an emotional epiphany of sorts. Despite the challenges in adopting a child, I CAN still become a parent.

And I WILL still love that child/children no matter how they make it into my home and my heart.

I knew these facts intellectually but I was so focused on conceiving that I couldn’t “feel” them.

Though pregnancy is an amazing process and is worth all of the sacrifice and physical discomfort that it brings, it’s really not necessary in order to bond with a child.

Avoiding the body issues and physical discomfort that accompany those nine months wouldn’t necessarily be such a bad situation for me.

This weekend, due to the hcg shot that is still in my system and the increase in vitamins over the past two weeks (and, oh, maybe STRESS), my IBS nearly sent me to the hospital. I usually am able to manage my symptoms (those calcium supplements are a true blessing!) but every year or so I have an incredibly painful episode.

This one happened on the night that I was taking my younger niece out to dinner and on a “Ghosts in Bos.ton” tour for her birthday. I made it through the entire evening - mostly with a smile - but I suffered. I was so angry that I was in that situation. Sometimes IBS just makes me want to scream. And I am still suffering today, though at a tolerable level. If I had any clear indications that the IUI worked I could at least consider that I was suffering for a “good” reason.

But I am quite convinced that the IUI did not work. I simply have no sign or symptom that suggests otherwise. I made a deal with myself that I don’t have to let myself hope unless there is a clear symptom. Given the fact that I took 100mg Clo.mid and an hcg shot, one would expect that I would be having tell-tale pregnancy symptoms regardless. I have some typical soreness and cramping, but I believe that I had them the last time that I took this much Clo.mid.

My beta is a week from today. I am dreading it because I trust that it will solidify what I already know. And I *will* be disappointed no matter how hard I restrain myself from hoping.

Part of me wants to rush through treatment so that we can accept defeat and start the adoption process. But Mr. LIW and I agreed to try two ivf cycles first. We do not yet know whether or not the first cycle will begin within the next two months or not. There’s a good chance that we might do another IUI in the meantime.

I think it is the failure of medical treatments that I really dread. I am truly happy that I have reached the point of actually being excited about adopting a child. I *know* that, whatever happens with each adopted child, I will have made a wonderful contribution to the world. What’s better than giving a child a loving, supportive, and healthy home?

It sounds corny but, for someone who finds meaning in enriching the lives of others, it means everything.

My nieces have caught on to the fact that we are dealing with infertility. At 10 and nearly 13, they are quite savvy.

My younger niece (K) especially shares my fascination with history and travel. During a lull in our dinner conversation on Saturday night, she said,

“Auntie, I think that you and [Mr. LIW] should adopt a baby from another country, like Colombia.”

LIW: “Why?”

K: “Because I think it would be awesome.”

I proceeded to explain that if our doctor cannot find a way for us to have a baby, then we will, of course, adopt a child. That we would probably adopt a baby from this country but we would not rule out other countries. That adoption is incredibly expensive and, unfortunately, finances will impact which avenues we pursue.

K: “Ok, but I think it would be great if you could adopt a baby from another country.”

LIW: “Sweetie, we do, too. What’s most important is that [Mr. LIW] and I become parents and we will do whatever it takes to make that happen.”

I had no doubts before that my nuclear family, which has worked very hard to cure much of the dysfunctional blood that we inherited, would love our child/children no matter how they came about.

It was incredibly wonderful to know that my niece would be incredibly excited by a child adopted from a foreign country who may appear racially different from us. Since K is addicted to the informational globe that I gave her family for chis.tmas last year, she understands this fact.

I am lucky, I am very lucky.

And the informational packet from one of the local domestic and international adoption agencies should arrive in my mailbox this week.

I will be ok, no matter what happens.