Hope shines then quickly fades

I am seriously conflicted as to whether or not to go for a beta tomorrow. Today is CD26. I could have gone yesterday but I would not have gotten the results until tomorrow anyway so why bother.

Based on the fact that I was experiencing only a few symptoms, I had completely written off this cycle and decided to simply wait for AF to arrive.

But then I realized that my intestines continued to refuse to function after a temporary reprieve from the IBS flareup last Saturday. Despite the number of supplements and other aides I took in an attempt to get them moving again. Despite how many salads I ate or how many carbs I avoided.

And I couldn't help but start to wonder.....

Everyone's experience with IBS is different and my "normal" state has fluctuated over the years but I cannot remember a time that I have been *this* constipated for *this* long.

I experienced a few other symptoms as well - sore nipples that looked darker sometimes, a *very* unique twinge in my uterus that was not painful and reverberated throughout my body, some odd aching in my breasts - so hope crept in.

But, as usual, she's a bitch. And I hate her.

Because I was *perfectly* content to write this cycle off and then she raised my expectations.

But this morning I woke up and the nipple soreness is gone. And my breasts look and feel normal.

I know that it is possible that my intestines shut down from the hcg shot on CD 11. Today is CD26 so the shot has worn off but my IBS could just have been thrown out of whack from the shot and is having trouble getting back to normal.

Part of me wants to simply wait for AF so that I can have a private moment of grieving upon impact. Going for a beta makes the process more public and therefore more painful.

Another part of me wants to just get the damn thing over with. I am starting to believe that the wonder and anticipation will be worse than the painful disappointment.

On the very off chance that the beta is positive, I believe that we agreed with Dr. Gentle that I should start progesterone supplements. I think for that reason, *just* in case the IUI worked, I should go tomorrow.

I am so fucking sick and tired of this rollercoaster of hope and disappointment that I could scream.

This blog is a lifesaver.

The only comfort, and it is a sad one, is that two or three months of preparation for ivf will give me time to shed a few of the extra pounds that I am carrying around these days. I am 7 or 8 pounds above where I really should be and the point at which I know is normal and healthy for my height and build.

The challenge, of course, is to not fall into my old coping mechanism of compulsive exercise. I am not going to lie to you, though I am not yearning to get back to the shape I used to be, I am looking at the gym as my savoir. I have done this many times before.

I tend to take my anger out at the gym, which is healthy in many ways except for when I use it to beat myself up physically by pushing myself incredibly hard, especially with weights and weight machines - something that gives me an unrivaled sense of pleasure.

I know that the only thing that will bring me comfort from a negative beta is the knowledge that I have time to work towards a better physical and mental space in terms of my relationship to my body. I have to work on myself in a way that is primarily nurturing, which I think I can do given the resources I have now. It will be a challenge, though, there's no doubt about that.

Would I rather get a BFP. You bet!

But I am grasping at straws - straws that are a bit dangerously familar to me - and who can blame me?