So Today was my Baby Shower....

And I want to be filled only with joy and gratitude......but, unfortunately, my feelings are mixed.

Why?

Well, three of my friends who RSVP'd that they were coming just didn't show up. Which wouldn't have been a big deal if 7 of my other friends hadn't been on vacation and/or live too far away to make the trip. And that my best friend, T, (the IF veteran) couldn't physically bear to make the trip (she has Lupus) and endure a baby shower.

We knew the shower would be small and I was fine with that. We just didn't think it would be *that* small.

For family members, in attendance were: three of my aunts, my grandmother, and my mother as well as my sister who did nearly all of the work. My 4th aunt has MS and has been struggling terribly in the face of a bad case of bronchitis. I didn't expect her to come and was even honored that she had planned to, especially because she would have struggled on the stairs to get into my house.

Also, one of my cousin's wives (the only one that I invited because we are also close friends....I dislike most of my other cousins and the remaining couple that I do like I am not close to) came along with two of my close friends. And, of course, my two nieces were there with my sister.

My mother-in-law didn't come out to NH this summer like she normally does because she is fighting breast cancer(successfully, we believe). My sister-in-law with two kids also lives in Colorado and simply doesn't have the money to travel (though she probably wouldn't anyway - she's self-absorbed like her mother, but that's another story for another day.) My other sister-in-law (K, the one that I have spoken about previously who is trans), is driving out this way with her Dad as we speak to move into a new england college next weekend.

I wasn't surprised that one of the three friends who said she was coming didn't show up. She did the same thing for my holiday party. But the other two? I just don't know. One has two kids so maybe someone got sick. The other had a big party at her house last night (which I RSPV'd "no" to because my sister and my nieces were here to prep for the shower) but she seemed really dedicated to coming. We emailed only days ago.

I can't help but to be hurt.

I know that people have their own lives and it is not as if I am a big fan of baby showers - or bridal showers, for that matter.

But the ability to even be a mom is so important to me. In fact, it means nearly everything to me. And I really wanted the chance to thank my friends for their love and support while I was struggling through infertility treatment. Granted, I am sure I needed their support more than I needed them to show up to my shower. But this was my chance to truly celebrate this baby with the friends who saw me during more difficult times.

And, I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help but feel that, once again, my efforts to be a great and loving friend weren't reciprocated.

I know that's not the case. I really do. Maybe it is the pregnancy hormones.

I spent much of my life befriending people who couldn't (or wouldn't) give back what I gave emotionally (long-time readers know the story of my ex) but in the last few years I have shifted gears and been better about cultivating friendships with giving people. But this situation brings up all of those old feelings, as well as the question as to whether or not *I* am a good enough friend.

One of the things that simply sucks is how busy we all are in our lives. I am not one to become nostalgic about periods of time in which women were confined to the home against their will. Or when racism was more accepted and expected.

But even in the 1970s, for the most part, people were not expected to give as much to their jobs. There was more time (and energy!) for companionship and communities. And a greater sense of obligation.

I don't want my friends to be my friends out of obligation but I *do* wish that they could be there when I really need them to.

I know that's not reality. I mean, I am a case in point. My job has been kicking my ass so much that I have neglected my dear blog friends.

Overall, I have been brainstorming as to how to better put my job into perspective so that I have the time and energy for my son, my friends, my family (oh, and myself.) I need to learn to worry less about making mistakes and focus more on the other parts of my life that truly, truly mean something. Perhaps I have to be less giving to the people that I manage on my teams at work and save some of that emotional support for others. And I think today was a reminder of that.

All in all, on a happier note, my shower was wonderful. Since it was at my house (designed to make it easy for my friends to come, of course), my sister and I did the cooking. She felt badly having me help with the cooking but I was ok with it. My sister is like an employee at my holiday party every year - she busts her ass all night so that I can talk to my guests - so I was happy to help. Her job is also incredibly stressful and intense (she runs a medical lab in a time of a serious labor shortages for med techs) so she certainly doesn't have time during the week to prep. Also, it was really nice bonding time for us because it meant unlimited chatting all afternoon. And then the four of us (my sister, my two nieces, and myself) went out for a great dinner last night as well as for a little shopping.

Not to mention the fact that my sister made a series of *amazing* dishes. She really is a fabulous cook! Everyone was impressed, which was great because Mr. LIW and I always strive to serve fantastic meals when people come over. So it fit right in.

Since it was a brunch, she made two types of quiches (spinach and cheese; ham and cheese), two types of crepes (bananas and chocolate; blueberries and cream), brown sugar-coated bacon twists, roasted red-pepper marinated chicken skewers, fresh tomato, basil, and cheese appetizers, and her famous ricotta cookies. We also had cupcakes and italian cookies from my favorite bakery. One of the biggest hits was a punch made out of lemonade mix, cranberry juice, orange juice, club soda, lime juice and fresh orange and lime slices. The decorations were blue hydrangeas and roses of sharon from her garden accented with a mixture of flowers (including red roses and orange gerbera daises) that she bought. Classic and elegant! See why my sister, Mr. LIW, and I have considered periodically through the years to start a catering business? :-)

And, because it was small, I was able to really catch up with a close friend from the other PR firm I worked for. I realized how much I miss her! She was my support system - she really kept me sane - and we spent lots of time laughing as well. I tried to convince her to join the firm I am at now because I would absolutely love to spend time/working with her on a regular basis again but she is committed to staying where she is. Unlike my experience at her company, though, she works on a great team for a wonderful VP. So I don't blame her for not wanting to leave.

I was also happy to get most of the the biggest things on my registry. I am set for the basics: the car seat, two strollers (one for his first year and then one for long-term use), vibrating seat, jumperoo activity seat, onesies, pjs, clothes, and a series of must-have smaller items (rattles, baby toys, etc.) We will need to supplement that list of items but my cousin's wife said that she saved many of the things that she got for her third child - including a swing, high chair, etc. Mr. LIW got a solid wood changing table from someone at work, which needs to be painted but is a nice and sturdy piece of furniture. My sister saved the glider and crib that she bought for her daughters in the hope that I would have a baby so that we could keep them in the family. We will need to buy a crib mattress and new cushions for the glider but at least we won't have to buy the most expensive components of those necessary items. My sister loaned the porta crib to a friend but the friend returned it with a brand new, unopened mattress! Once I get the sheets for the porta crib, LL will have a bed in our room. I don't expect to even put him in his crib for a month or so so that will work out fine.

We have yet to order the crib bedding online but we know exactly what we want so it's not like any work is involved. Mr. LIW finished painting the walls in the baby's room so only the trim is left at this point.

We are, believe it or not, getting there. And I feel incredibly blessed that "there" involves a cute little baby who likes to cuddle and will be soothed by the sound of my voice.

And I need to remember that I *do* have loving friends and that the love and support I give out has not been wasted. I know that I am lucky to be appreciated as I am and I know that being a loving and giving person is never a mistake. I just need to keep things in perspective.