Sorry...I was on vacation last week

I didn't have time to update before I left for Mexico on the 20th - sorry about that. I really appreciate all of your concern. Every time I read the comments on my posts, I mutter to myself, "these people are SO awesome!" Seriously, you are the best and always a bright spot in my day!!!!

I have SO much to share.

Ok, first, my 16w belly shot is coming soon. Mr. LIW and I decided to take it on the beach in Mexico and I think you will agree that growth has occurred. I still think I am a bit small for how far along I am but it is probably because I continue to struggle to consume enough calories. My appetite still has not fully returned, even though I don't feel nauseous. Thank goodness for vanilla milkshakes, which I consume almost nightly. And I purposely choose full-fat items now, like cream cheese. I know that the baby is growing fat under his/her skin right now so I want to make sure I make that possible. My guess is that the prenatal vitamins - which my NP said I don't really have to take each and every day anymore so I take them 4 or 5 nights per week (which my intestines appreciate!)- will help, too.

What's absolutely shocking to me is that in two days I will be 18w. And in roughly 2 weeks I will be halfway through this pregnancy. It's not that time has gone quickly by any means. Not at all. I feel like this is the slowest period in my life. But I still am shocked by each and every milestone. Which shows me how deeply ingrained the belief that Little Life won't make it really is.

As for Little Life, I assume things are going well in there. We received the results of the sequential screening tests and everything looks good. Of the abnormalities tested for, our greatest risk is for Trisomy 18 - but the risk was
.1%. The lowest risk is for Down's - and that's .001%. Of course, I was hoping for 1 in a million but, really, that's only because I am obsessive! At least the greatest risk, which is still small, is for an abnormality which typically presents deformities that are obvious via u/s. Everything has looked great so far. Our final diagnostic u/s is on May 5th. If things look great there, then I will stop worrying, right? HAHAHAHA.

Seriously, though, I am starting to believe that we might actually have a baby in October. I even let myself watch "Bringing Ba.by Home" shows on T.LC yesterday (I caught a cold/virus at the end of my trip and now think I am fighting bronchitis so I stayed home to rest yesterday.) It was a big step for me. And this morning on the way to work I started getting nervous about all of things that I will have to do in preparation - esp find daycare. I can't yet bring myself to look into daycare centers but I DID buy a painting for the baby's room from a local Mexican artist. He painted an underwater scene, per my request, which will fit nicely with the theme we have chosen. Maybe after the u/s on the 5th I will start looking into daycare centers.

But here's the next issue....

I don't yet know when I will need daycare. The Friday before I left for Mexico, after a long week catering to grateful but spoiled Dubai physicians, I went back to the PR firm for a second set of interviews. I was nervous because I was thoroughly exhausted by then but I learned from the recruiter at the end of my visit that all 6 people who interviewed me are really excited about bringing me on. They can't give me the money I asked for but, honestly, I asked for more than I figured the position paid. But the good news is the money is definitely more than I would make if I became a permanent employee where I am now. PLUS the benefits are waaay better - 17 days vacation to start, 6 sick days, 100% medical and dental coverage, 100% life insurance coverage, etc. After 5 years, I will be eligible for a 6-week sabbatical in addition to vacation time, which by then will be 4 weeks.

AND DID I MENTION THE FACT THAT I WOULD NO LONGER BE "AN ASSISTANT" TO ANYONE????

I also liked everyone I met with. We seem to have similar work and management styles. Come to find out, they have been considering me for positions at levels higher than the one for which I applied. So I will start out as an Account Supervisor, which means I will manage 8-10 people. They loved all of my answers to the 100 questions I received re: my management style. I am a very supportive and appreciative manager and a dedicated team player. I treat people with respect and make it clear by my actions that I don't ask anyone to do anything that I wouldn't be willing to do myself. I was told that that fits the culture there. Two of the women I met with also brought up the issue of life/work balance and assured me that people are not expected to regularly work overtime or to stay late if their work is finished (that was my experience at my last PR job.) Two people actually said that they are not stressed when they go home. That sometime the workload feels overwhelming but it is always followed by slower periods so you can catch your breath. That's how I like it.

So, all in all, it seems like a good or even a great fit. PR is not where I ultimately want to be but that's ok. At least there is room to move up at this company and the expectation is that I will be promoted within a year. I had to exaggerate my PR (and non government-relations) experience a wee bit but the stuff that isn't innate at this point is not rocket science. The strategic side - in terms of how to communicate and persuade people - comes more naturally to me. So I can learn which publications and online resources should be targeted without too much effort. The part that I don't know as well is the easier part, more skill-based than talent.

I told the recruiter via email yesterday about the pregnancy, which may or may not have been obvious to them. She was so congratulatory and excited, which put my mind at ease. So the next step is to talk to the HR person about maternity leave. Massachusetts requires 8 weeks after 3 months of employment so I will negotiate for the extra 4 weeks, which will take me through the holidays (since LL is due October 2nd). Since they were a bit apologetic that they can't meet my salary request, AND the company prides itself on being progressive, I think they will meet my request. If not, I would settle for 10 weeks if necessary.

No matter what, how could I NOT take that job? Especially after my vacation, I realize how much I truly dislike where I am. I have made the best of it, and there are parts I like (mostly people really), but to come back to having to set up meetings just doesn't do it for me. Having authority often intimidates me, but I almost always rise to the challenge, which almost always improves my self esteem. And at least I will be intellectually challenged more often. That alone is priceless for me. That is what I live for.....

Well, and for Little Life.

I am a bit bummed that I am not experiencing the "fluttering" that everyone says typically starts happening after 16 weeks. The NP told me not to worry if I didn't feel anything until 22 weeks since this is my first. I have felt things that I *think* are from Little Life but they don't fit the "butterfly" description. In my 16th week, I felt a pain of sorts and then felt a ripple which definitely felt like a body part being dragged across my abdomen. Since then, I haven't felt rippling but I have gotten pains (that are cramp-like in intensity) but truly feel like the baby has kicked my insides, especially my cervix. It doesn't hurt too much or anything but it doesn't feel like the cramps I used to get that I attributed to my uterus growing and stretching. I still get those kind of cramps sometimes but more and more of the pains feel like I am being kicked. I really think that the baby likes to kick my cervix because I get shooting pains that extend down into my vagi.nal area. I have had round ligament pains so I know the difference. Well, I guess I think I know the difference.

Does any of this resonate with anyone? I SO want to know that I am feeling Little Life move. I am seriously considering buying a doppler at this point. I truly think hearing the hb regularly will help. And I hope Little Life kicks me while we are looking at him/her on the 5th. That way I can make the connection.

As for figuring out what is going on "down there" on Little Life, Mr. LIW has begrudgingly agreed to find out. He is, of course, hoping that LL has his/her legs crossed for the u/s on the 5th but has decided to defer to me because I "have gone through so much more than" he has for this pregnancy. I guess the guilt trip I used a few weeks ago worked. :-) Seriously, though, this is the kind of person that Mr. LIW is and why I married him.

He is becoming more and more excited about this baby. He seriously cannot wait and is not deferred by all the horror stories I tell to try to prepare him. The sleeplessnes. The crying that can't be stopped. Etc. Etc. He says "we will get through it like anything else." He really is like that. He takes things as they come. PLUS he handles exhaustion 100x better than I do.

Which brings me to another point....

I still plan to try breastfeeding. The NP said that I may have trouble since my nip.ples are partially inverted. My sister's are, too, which is why it didn't work for her.

BUT

I truly like the idea of being able to take longer breaks from Little Life. Please don't misunderstand - I already love this little person with an intensity I have never before experienced. AND would give my life in a heartbeat if it meant saving him/her. But I also know how important sleep is to my mental health. I am at high risk for post-partum depression, even though I am staying on my citalo.pram throughout the pregnancy. Even now, an adequate amount of sleep is vital to keeping my depression in check. So the thought of Mr. LIW being able to take over for a 4-hour stretch is, well, hugely attractive to me.

I am going to look into trying to do both - breastfeed and formula. And, if the BF doesn't work, we will go to formula exclusively. Do I feel a bit guilty about this? Well, sure. But I also know that depression will inhibit my ability to nurture my baby, which is ultimately more important.

And Mr. LIW is definitely interested in feeding and bonding with the baby as much as possible. He will be a hands-on father without a doubt. I will likely spend more time with the baby since his job often requires long hours but I have seen him with my nieces and other kids and he is well....awesome with them. Kids love him because he treats them with respect, doesn't talk down to them, and stays calm at all times. I need him to balance out my more worried nature. Again, why I married him.

I guess we are truly on our way to parenthood. I now ask permission to be shallow for a moment.

The day before I left for Mexico, I got up the courage to try on C-cup bra.s. It was tough. I was worried that they would be too large (I wear Bs)and I would be disheartened. But, man, they fit like a glove. God, do I love my cleavage now!! I love how they actually move when I walk. I hope I win some kind of cosmic lottery and get to keep these two indefinitely. They help to balance out my pear-shaped frame. Well, they would if I didn't have a belly in the middle! :-)

My belly continues to get harder but the slight layer of flabbiness on top remains. I can't wait until I am big enough so that's gone.

Ok, I *think* things will be relatively slow here at work this week so I will aim to catch up on all of your blogs. I may not have time to comment on all of them but I *will* be reading........

Love to all of you!!!