One Good Night's Sleep and a Fantastic Dream Later

and I am feeling alot better.

I cried with Mr. LIW for a few minutes last night, which helped tremendously. Unreliable public transportation meant that I wasn't home in time to make the spin class or to catch a yoga class. So I knew that I needed to cry a little to get those pent-up feelings out.

Then I went to sleep - wonderful, glorious sleep - and had a *fabulous* dream.

Am I the only one who periodically dreams that an incredibly hot person is trying to seduce her?

I can't tell you how much I *love* these dreams. And the more real they feel, the more likely they are to enhance my self-image for a day.

In last night's dream, I was in a warm and sunny place. There was a small pool in the middle of the area in which I was sunning myself that was manned by a beautiful man who was waiting to teach a scuba class.

He was a mix between this and this (who just so happen to be two men that I would drop my pants for without hesitation.)

I tried to look at this man nonchalantly, not wanting him to know that I was totally hot for him. I knew that I was out of his league so I didn't even bother trying to interact with him.

But then, in the finer things of which dreams are made, he came over to me. I cannot remember what, if any, words were spoken but soon he was caressing behind my bikini top. Yahoo!

I remember thinking in the dream "you are married" and then "but wait, this is a fantasy so you can be single."

Then the alarm went off and I repeatedly pressed the snooze button in the hopes of completing the fantasy. No luck on that score, but my imagination did a fine job compensating once I woke up.

It left me feeling attractive and sexy again, which I desperately need these days.

I realized the other day that I am probably conveying the impression that I am helplessly overweight and frumpy. And that I am probably doing myself a disservice here.

Since this blog is my journal of sorts, the journal I was always afraid to put on paper but feel safe somehow having other people read it in a semi-anonymous format, you see the worst of me. It is one of the best forums for me to discuss my sadness, anger, frustration, and disappointment - including with/in my physical self.

The "real world" is more likely to witness my confident side. No one that I have met has ever expected the "dark" side that you know from this blog. It's not that I necessarily keep it in hiding - and people who get even relatively close to me experience it - but I consistently put my best foot forward.

In fact, most people are actually shocked by this hypersensitive, self-critical side of me.

So, here's an attempt to bring a bit of balance to this blog - in the hope that it will help me to do so eventually in other areas of my life (particularly in how I think about myself).

At least once every couple of weeks someone I meet tells me that they love my smile. For example, last weekend a waitress made the remark when she came to get our drink order. And I once had a bus driver who said he remembered me from months ago because he "could never forget that smile."

Along that same vein, at least a handful of people that I have dated have told me not to underestimate how sensual my lips are. (Of course I replied with, "What the hell are you talking about" and I still just don't get it but, hey, I won't fight it.)

Periodically, people comment on the color and shape of my eyes (which are hazel green). Throughout my life, I have had random people ask me what color they are, if I wear color contacts (even when I am wearing glasses - DUH), and tell me that they are beautiful. My eyes are actually the one feature that I like and am proud of - and have learned to accentuate them with makeup. In fact, I feel entirely naked without eye liner/shadow and mascara.

My dark (and now reddish) brown hair consistently elicits compliments from hair stylists because it is thick and healthy. When it was long, acquaintances would ask if they could touch it.

Hmm....ok this is a difficult one. I know that I have mentioned before that I carry more weight on the lower half of my body than on the upper half - even when I was at my thinnest and in great shape - which I hate beyond words. The upside (in addition to an upper body that is easily toned) is that I have a shapely butt. It's too big in my opinion, particularly because it comes along with thighs that should be smaller given my petite frame, but I can't count how many compliments I have gotten on it. I can't wear fitted pants in neighborhoods with people who come from cultures where it is ok to catcall women they find attractive.

Which brings me back to a theme that was raised but not discussed earlier in this email.

And that is that I tend to find dark-skinned men incredibly attractive. I generally am attracted to sharp facial features, for sure, but an attractive African-American man is nearly irresistable to me. Especially if he is wearing a nicely-tailored suit. And is intellectual in the least bit.

What I have never been sure of is whether this attraction was planted from an experience in college in which an African-American guy I dated told me how much he and his compatriots loved my butt.

I can't remember which came first....

This post is totally weird and I have started to delete it numerous times. But I think I should keep a post that actually discusses my physical attributes because maybe I will stumble upon it one day when I am feeling fat and frumpy again (like, tomorrow).

I guess the point is that don't be fooled by the person that I present on this blog. If you met me in RT, you might think that I could lose a little weight but it's unlikely to be the first thing that you noticed about me. On the "normal weight scale" I fall into the gray area at the high end of normal/slightly overweight. You would not find me beautiful but you wouldn't say I was unattractive, either. At the same time, I am distinctive looking and don't necessarily blend into the background.

Maybe I am asking you to hold my feet to the fire by not letting me say so many negative things about myself. My close friends in RT know that they need to provide me with reality checks on a regular basis. If you ever think that I am being too hard on myself, don't be shy. Speak up!

Anyway, this is by far the strangest post ever! Thanks for being witnesses to it...